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SCARE TACTICS
Snakes
The most common form of snake work, of course, is to raise the prospect that your opponent may encounter a poisonous snake when he enters the woods or deep rough to look for his ball. That possibility, no matter how remote, will (1) limit the duration of his search, increasing the chances he'll have to declare a lost ball; (2) limit the scope of his search to the area immediately adjacent to the fairway, with the same result; and (3) make his swing even more tentative than usual if he does manage to find his ball.
But don't be too obvious. When your opponent is about to enter the rough to look for his ball, volunteer that you don't think it's snake season. Then cock your head and ask, "When is snake season, anyway?" If he asks what kind of snakes, inform him that rattlers are indigenous to most of the United States (some courses have warning signs you can point out to him). And by the way, did he know that recently killed rattlesnakes may bite--even with their heads chopped off? Regional variants: water moccasins, coral snakes, cottonmouths, copperheads, black mambas.
Lyme Disease
Once thought the basis of a strictly regional ploy, Lyme disease has obliged the golfman by spreading throughout the United States. Thus if you're playing "away" and your host-opponent is about to enter the rough to look for his ball, tell him to watch out for deer ticks. If he asserts that Lyme disease is unknown in the neighborhood, tell him you heard that a case has just been identified in the northern (or southern) part of the county. If you're the host, as your guest-opponent is about to enter the woods, tell him about poor old Fred, who contracted the disease in the very same woods and is now bedridden. Be sure to enumerate Fred's symptoms: the large red "bull's-eye rash," the aching joints, the chills and fever, the permanent neurological impairment, the cardiac arrest. If it's early in the season, say you read somewhere that experts are predicting a "banner year" for the disease. If it's late in the year, tell him that diseased ticks are especially voracious when the temperature drops.
Extra credit: Remind your opponent of Tim Simpson, who made the top-ten money list on the Tour in 1990, but whose career ended abruptly after he contracted Lyme disease in 1991. He suffered joint and muscle soreness and a severe case of the shakes, a permanent tremor in his left hand, and soon could not walk eighteen holes, let alone play competitively. He now works in auto racing.
Killer Bees
A similar approach can be used with "killer bees." The so-called Africanized honeybees have already arrived in the southwestern United States, and they continue to migrate northward. Point out that these angry insects are the most lethal species on their native continent, killing more people every year than poisonous snakes.
Nice touch: Remind him that Keith Fergus and his caddie were stung repeatedly by a swarm of regular bees at the '95 Nortel Open in Tucson.
Miscellaneous
Don't forget poison ivy, rabies--it's being found increasingly in bats and raccoons, especially in the eastern United States, and there have been several deaths--alligators, quicksand, and the hot dogs at the snack bar.
Do you have a favorite golf ploy you don't see here? Submit it to our contest and it may appear in the next edition of How to Win at Golf!
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