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BEGINNERS
With the explosive growth of the game, there will be many new golfers uninitiated not only in the rules and etiquette of golf, but also in the "country club scene" with its attendant social graces. These nouveau golfers have the additional burden of being in constant apprehension of committing faux pas. If you find yourself playing such a parvenu, by all means take advantage of his insecurity by calling attention to his every lapse, and perhaps even inventing a few rules of your own.
LEFTIES
Left-handers present a special opportunity. First, remember that they're accustomed to discrimination: The word "sinister"--ominous, baleful, malign--comes from a Latin root meaning "the left side." Which reflects the mind-set of societies since time immemorial. To this day, in many cultures left-handed children are "cured" by being made to do everything right-handed, and until recently--perhaps because of the emergence of Phil Mickelson--left-handed golfers were "turned around" and made to play right-handed.
Thus in a match with a southpaw, prey upon his lifelong sense of alienation by quoting a "study" showing that left-handed golfers are at a distinct disadvantage because of the "right-hand bias of golf course architects." Conversely, if your opponent is one of those lefties who plays right-handed, shake his confidence by asking whether he ever thought he'd play better from his "natural" side. (This is special pleading--and golfmanship--at its finest.)
CELL PHONE USERS
The first time at Osprey Ridge, I played with three young radiologists from the Orlando area. One of the radiologists had a beeper in his pocket, and he stopped several times during the round to talk to patients on a cellular phone that he kept beside him on the seat in his golf cart. He would say, "Just a minute, I have to check your file." Then he would put the phone on hold and hit his ball. --DAVID OWEN
It rankles me to see someone using a cellular telephone in public, especially when they're behind the wheel of a car (Hang up and drive!), in a restaurant (You're not that important!), or walking down the street (Watch where you're going!). But the worst place is on a golf course. To me, there's nothing more antithetical to the pastoral game than the sight of a ponytailed baby mogul with a Cohiba in his kisser and a flip phone in his ear. No wonder a growing number of courses ban cell phones, and some clubs fine or suspend members who use them on the property. I therefore strongly urge you to leave your phone at home.
But . . . if you must: Arrange to have someone call you at an appointed time. Obviously, receiving calls or pages is a two-edged sword: It can distract you as well as your opponent, so if the match is going in your favor, turn the phone off; if the match is going against you, raise the volume on the ringer.
Hitting dial tone as your opponent makes his backswing is not recommended, but placing a call to check on something at the office (or to confirm that your dry cleaning is ready) is more worthy of a true golfman and would infuriate anyone. Arranging a golf lesson is a nicer touch, as is confirming a future tee time with someone else.
Defense: If you find yourself matched against someone with a cell phone or pager, there are various countermeasures, including simply asking him to leave it in his locker. But perhaps the most effective approach is to turn it into an instrument of torture for him: Find out the number and have someone call and hang up repeatedly, or put him on terminal hold, or pretend to be a telemarketer. In a less elaborate approach, has he seen the article in the New England Journal of Medicine about the link between cell phone use and brain cancer?
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