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CARTMANSHIP
Though some view it as a blight on the game, the motorized golf cart has enabled millions to play who would not otherwise venture onto a golf course. Carts provide extra revenue for margin-squeezed golf operations, and they're indispensable at the increasing number of courses where caddies are not available. So, whatever we may think of them, carts are here to stay. And they're a rich source of gambits and ploys. But be forewarned: Cartmanship is hard-core, the slapstick of golfmanship, which is to say it requires a warped mind and a nimble body.
The first rule of cartmanship: Always take the wheel. Then you can literally drive your opponent to distraction. (Caution: If your opponent won't relinquish the driver's seat, insist on separate carts or . . . walk!) Once you've secured the wheel, you can relax and be a benevolent despot most of the time, driving smoothly and considerately. But when you need help on the scorecard, turn the cart into an instrument of torture: Fumble with the key. Set and reset the brake. Barrel down the fairway pretending not to see a sprinkler head or yardage marker, then swerve at the last instant. (If he complains, call him an "old lady" or a "Nervous Nellie"--feminization of a male opponent is surefire.)
Brake for imaginary obstacles. When you reach his ball, give him a "false stop," i.e., just as he is about to step out of the cart, roll another few yards past his ball, then insist on driving him back. After he has dismounted and is rummaging in his bag for a club, suddenly hit the accelerator. If you're lucky, he'll be grasping a tentative choice just as the cart lurches forward, which will have the effect of your choosing the club for him. (Try this only if your opponent's clubbing instincts are sound--wouldn't want to inadvertently help a bad clubber.) This will rattle him, and in rare cases, may even cause him to break a shaft. (Apologize profusely.) Once he has a club in hand, don't dawdle--speed away before he can change his mind. After he hits his shot and you come back to pick him up, floor it just as he attempts to sit down.
And then there's the cartmanship version of the Rolling Start: Pop the brake just as your opponent reaches the top of his backswing. Or slip the cart into reverse while he's over his ball (assuming the cart is equipped with a backup alarm).
Intermediate: If you're two down on the back nine, run over your opponent's ball.
Advanced: While your opponent's attention is elsewhere, quietly unbuckle the strap holding his bag to the cart. When the cart moves forward and the bag falls off, pretend not to notice. Many would say that such a puerile tactic would never be countenanced by an adult, let alone an accomplished golfman, and I myself have never tried it.
See also A WORKMAN'S TOOLS
Illustrations by Kent Barton. Contact via Richard Solomon,
(212) 223-9545
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