kisses and lies
e lockhart hdr

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Dear Ruby,
My friend’s boyfriend has been flirting with me A LOT. What do I do?
—Flirting With Trouble


Dear Flirting With Trouble:
Before we start on this advice thing, I think I better quote to you from VOYA. The editors there are very nice about The Boy Book, and say stuff like "[Roo is imbued] with such realism she seems almost to fly off the page."
But.
They also have a warning especially for you, and your cohorts below, who are (for reasons best known to yourselves) clamoring for my insights about boys when I don't even have a boyfriend.
And do you know what that warning is?
"Do not ask Ruby for advice." *
I repeat. "Do not ask Ruby for advice." There, from a respected publication on the subject of adolescents!
However, if you must proceed at your own peril, I will tell you that the Friend Boyfriend Flirting Problem (FBFP) can be very serious and lead to massive personal debacles and the blue spots of social leprosy. So whatever you do, don't do what I did in The Boyfriend List.

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* "There are no easy answers here for teens who are in the midst of crises about friends and relationships. Instead Lockhart offers Ruby's triumphs and downfalls for readers to ponder on their own. What does it mean to be a good friend? How do you deal with a boy who might be more than a friend? Do not ask Ruby for advice but encourage girls to read about Ruby to see how tough it is sometimes to resolve these and other issues." – Teri S. Lesesne.

Dear Ruby,
I met this amazing guy over the weekend and gave him my number. It’s now Wednesday, and he has yet to call. What should I do? —Praying for a “Ring”

Dear Praying for a “Ring”:
Before I became a leper/famous slut, I kept this notebook with my ex-friends. It was like a regular lined notebook that we decorated with silver paper and in it, we wrote all the most important bits of data we had on the male species. We called it The Boy Book: A Study of Habits and Behaviors, Plus Techniques for Taming Them, (A Kanga-Roo Production), like it was a nature book about wolverines or something.
Which it pretty much was.
My point is, it took years of research and the brains of four reasonably intelligent prep school girls to come up with this answer:
Do nothing. There's nothing to do. You can't make him call you. This is not even really a question. You are just venting your angst.

Dear Ruby,
My boyfriend is always hanging out with his friends and watching sports. He hardly spends time with me, and when he does at least one of his other friends is around. How do I get him to want to ONLY be with me?—One of Many

Dear One of Many:
In The Boy Book, one of my longest essays is on the subject, "Why You Want the Guy You Can't Have: Inadequate Analysis of a Disturbing Psychological Trend." Basically(and I think my shrink Doctor Z would agree with me, here) wanting a guy who just wants to watch sports with his friends is wanting a guy you don't really have, even if he's technically your boyfriend.
It's a recipe for horror and you're better off out of it.
But how to stop liking him? That's another question.
If I knew the answer to that, I would be a mentally stable person and possibly rich.

Dear Ruby,
Why is it that guys always have to stare at your boobs while speaking to you? Have you had this happen, and what did you do?—Well-Endowed

Dear Well-Endowed:
They stare at them because the boobs are very good-looking, nay, even magnetic. They are magnets, I tell you! Boy-magnets! When this happened to my ex-friend Cricket at a party at the start of 10th grade, she lifted her boobs up, one up in each hand so they really stuck out -- and then talked to them. "Girls," she scolded. "John is talking to you. He's looking right at you! See him there, staring? Why don't you answer him? It's only polite." You could start with that, I'd say. For "clever comebacks to catcalls" - that is, if a guy actually TALKS to your boobs, like "Hey, twins, wanna come out for an airing?" - please reference page 117 of The Boy Book for retorts such as "I'm curious. Did your mother raise all of her children to be sexists, or did she single you out?"

Dear Ruby,
I am totally in love with my best guy friend, but he has a serious girlfriend. Do I tell my friend and risk ruining our friendship?—Fearful Friend

Dear Fearful Friend:
Movies where a guy and a girl are just good friends, but at the end they finally realize they love each other with a mad passion: Clueless. The Sure Thing. Can't Hardly Wait. Some Kind of Wonderful. When Harry Met Sally. The Wedding Singer. Emma. Sabrina. Win a Date with Tad Hamilton.
I've watched every single one of these and it really does seem like you should ride off into the sunset with your guy.
But life isn't like the movies.

Dear Ruby,
I recently broke up with my boyfriend, and he has begun spreading complete lies about me. Lies that can ruin my reputation! What do I do?—A Reputation on the Brink


Dear A Reputation on the Brink:
I am the possessor of a sucky reputation, too. You can come hang out with me. We can eat popsicles on the deck.

Dear Ruby,
I am a teenage guy. Why do girls always find the need to try to figure us out?—Let Us Be


What can I say, Let Us Be? If you would
1) say what you mean
2) dance at dances
3) explain why some guys think it's cool to get drunk
4) explain why you act different in front of your friends
5) tell us what you do when we're not there
6) stop growing wispy mustaches that are obviously ugly
7) stop chewing with your mouths open and
8) start talking about feelings
– we would probably leave you alone.

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