Cat Fantasy Short-Story Contest Winner:
"Don't Try to Khan Me" by Jack L. Brock

Copyright ©1998 by Jack L. Brock

"Hey Thor, how's your hammer hanging?"

I dropped the rag I had been using to wipe down the bar and extended my hand. Ramey lay his head against my hand and rubbed back and forth.

By the way, I should probably mention that Ramey is a cat. A tuxedo cat to be exact. I'm sure you know what a tuxedo cat is. They're the ones that are black with white patches strategically placed so as to resemble a tuxedo. Kind of like a feline penguin.

Now it occurs to me that you may find it a bit odd that an old Norse god like myself would be on such friendly terms with a kitty cat, so let me dump a little background on you.

My name is Thor, former god of thunder. I retired a few thousand years back. Anyway, I run a joint called the Valhalla Bar and Grill. Well the Val, as we like to call the place, is located on the corner of everywhere and everywhen. In other words we're right smack dab in the middle of downtown Limbo.

Now Limbo is, for the most part, a pretty dull place. I'm talking major league boring here. However being in Limbo gives us access to all times, all places, and all dimensions. This, of course, makes for a rather unique clientele. I mean where else are you going to scope on the likes of General U. S. Grant knocking back shots with Alexander the Great, or John F. Kennedy putting the moves on Cleopatra, or my personal favorite, Samuel Clemens, Mark to his friends, slow dancing with Jayne Mansfield. Let me tell you, that old Mark, he's a pretty slick customer. I swear that man can talk his way out of anything.

Being in Limbo we also get some exotics. There's old Walter Bigfoot, we waived the "No shoes no service" rule for him, the vampires, Bloody Mary drinkers, the E.T.'s, the . . ., well you get the idea. Anyway it should come as no surprise that we sometimes get talking cats in here. This brings me to Ramey.

Ramey is a good guy, he's just a little to curious for his own good, a curious cat now that's a stretch, and he's a little loose in the morals department. But overall he's a pretty good guy to hang with.

"So what'll it be Rame?" I asked

" The usual Thor, and we need to talk."

" Sure thing. Hit the office, I'll bring the drink."

"Thanks bud." Ramey said as he turned toward the back of the bar, and my office.

I fixed him a cabby, that's a catnip, buttermilk, and bourbon, and started in the same direction.

On the way, I passed Brunhilda. Hildy is a gorgeous blonde who just happens to be a Valkyrie. She also is the best waitress that I've ever seen. You don't have to worry about a six foot six warrior woman getting hit on too much.

"Hey Thor, what's the deal with Ramey? He didn't even make any rude comments about me being worth the climb. I'm a little worried about him." she called to me as I started by.

'I don't know, he's got something on his mind and I need to find out what. Tell Bacchus to watch the bar for me would you?"

I entered the office to find Ramey curled up on the television. Thank goodness for satellite TV antenna reception is practically nonexistent in Limbo.

"So what's up slick?" I asked

"I'm in trouble Thor... deep." He said without even looking up.

"Oh lighten up a little bit fluffball. How bad can it be?"

"I've been marked for death."

"Okay, that's pretty bad. So who put the hit on you?" I asked, "What did you do sleep with some bad guy's daughter?"

"You could say that." He replied.

''Well at least it wasn't somebody like Genghis Khan." I laughed.

I looked at Ramey and he seemed a bit uncomfortable.

"At least it wasn't somebody like Genghis Khan." I repeated, looking intently at Ramey. "Was it Ramey?"

"Honest Thor, if I had known who she was..."

"Ramey,"

"Thor, I swear I didn't know..."

"RAMEY!" I silenced him. "You have the morals of an alley cat."

"Comes with the outfit." He managed meekly.

"Well now that I know who..." I began but was interrupted by the window of my office exploding inward as a bullet passed through it and into the T.V. directly beneath Ramey's behind.

Ramey launched himself catlike, imagine that, from the remains of the television to my oak desk. The desk promptly exploded. He landed on his feet of course, but there was a dazed look in his eyes, a confused look. At any other time I would have found this look on a cat's face to be quite amusing, now however the only thing I found was cover behind my steel safe.

"Ramey," I called out, and was rewarded with a sharp meow. "It's a sniper somewhere in the grove."

I saw Ramey bound to the center of the room, the confusion was gone from his face now and had been replaced by a fierce light that I had seen before. As he reached the center of the room Ramey turned to face what was left of the window. I started to ask what the hell he thought he was doing when he suddenly leapt straight into the air. The spot where he had been turned to shrapnel and I realized Ramey had literally dodged a bullet.

"Muzzle flash!" He called out in mid air. " In the grove, left gazebo."

With that he hit the ground running toward the grove of trees that I had planted when I first opened the bar. The grove had been a nice quiet place to relax after a rough day. Now the beauty of this place was to be spoiled because I knew Ramey would never let this sniper live now. Not because the sniper had fired at him, but rather because I had been in the vicinity and could have been hurt. That is the kind of savage friendship that I have with Ramey. He is like a brother to me. He is the same as my flesh. As much as I loved this feline I really didn't relish the thought of cleaning up after him. I had no idea how messy it was going to be, but I knew that it would be bad, and it was.

Ramey had ripped the poor fellow from stem to stern, and had taken the intestines from the corpse, stringing them haphazardly all over the floor of my beautiful gazebo.

"What in the name of Odin's left nostril are you doing?" I cried out to the little lunatic.

"Reading." He calmly replied. " Would you please hand me that spleen over there?"

He said it so casually that I almost grabbed the damn thing. Suddenly I caught myself. " No!" I exclaimed drawing my hand back. "Dammit Ramey somebody has to clean this place up. And what the hell do you mean reading? What are you reading?"

"Gee, and I thought I was the high-strung one. If you must know, I'm reading this fellow's innards. You don't think he'll mind do you."

"I doubt if he complains much about it. By the way, how can such a little animal do so much damage?"

"Tricks of the trade my good man." He replied.

"Yeah whatever. Well what have you found from this disgusting display of paganism?"

"Well to tell the truth I never was any good at that stunt. I just can't get the hang of it, you know what I mean?"

"I think we have a pretty good idea of who sent this guy. Boy, Genghis must really be ticked at you Ramey if he's willing to go to different times to pick up killers to come after you. Do you realize how expensive that is?"

"I say we go to Genghis personally and end this thing. He's much more likely to listen to you than me, wouldn't you say?"

"Why didn't I listen to my daddy and get a dog? Man's best friend, never go around sleeping with insane rulers' daughters. But NO! I have to make friends with a cat. A mangy, flea bitten feline." I turned my eyes pleadingly to the stars, but I received no reply.

"Hey Thor, " Ramey said, " Bite me."

"We had better stop by the bar before we go." I said, " I should tell Hildy to saddle up her winged horse so she can come pick up our dead bodies after this little escapade."

"Hey Thor," Ramey said, "Bite me."

We attracted a fair amount of attention as we walked among the Mongols. I guess they probably had never seen a seven-foot Norse god and his friend cat. To their credit the Mongols tried not to stare as they took us to their leader. Genghis had evidently heard of his sniper's demise and expected us to drop in and say hi because we were immediately brought before him. Then much to our surprise, he dismissed his personal guard.

"Aren't you afraid that we might do you in, Great Khan?" Ramey asked sarcastically."

"Does the mountain fear the eagle? Does the river fear the salmon? Why would such as I fear the likes of you?" Khan replied.

"Forgive us our ignorance, Mighty Khan, but what are you babbling on about?"

"I am the mountain, I shall always be. I am the river, I flow where I wish."

"You are the nutburger, you cannot form coherent thoughts. I mean your brain has pulled an Elvis and has left the building."

Genghis smiled cruelly at Ramey, "I shall take great pleasure in watching you die little kitty, and you," Genghis turned toward me, "You claim to have been a god. You shall taste the true power of a god in my arena."

"Okay headcase," I replied, "Let's settle this once and for all with a little wager shall we?"

"What could you possibly have that would interest me, puny god?"

I was really starting to dislike this guy.

"Here's the deal, goofus, we win you call off the hit and Ramey gets the girl."

"And if I win?"

"You get the Val, and don't act like it's not worth it. Everyone knows it's the biggest moneymaker going." I smiled knowing there was no way he could pass up a chance like this. "The only rule is, you have to use people and technology from your timeline. In other words you can't sling a thermonuclear device at us, that just wouldn't be cool. So do we have a deal, Genghis old buddy?"

"Your terms are acceptable to me. You may leave now."

"Yeah right. Later days slick, say about one week?"

"I shall look forward to your return."

"I'll bet you're going to be happier when we leave." Ramey said as we faded from existence.

"So," Ramey looked at me as we prepared to enter the Khan's arena, "Do you think he'll play it on the ups?"

I laughed, "You're kidding right?"

"Yeah, that's what I thought too."

We strolled into the arena confident that the preparations that we had made would be sufficient.

The arena was an incredibly large amphitheater, with walls well over thirty feet high. Colorful banners were hung from the walls depicting, among other things, the various crests of the lesser chiefs under the Khan. I was most impressed that these nomadic people had constructed such a place and that so many of them had made it to this place in a week to see this spectacle.

We turned in the direction of the Khan's platform, setting another ten feet higher than the wall.

"Great Genghis Khan," I called out, silencing the buzz in the stands. "Many are the deeds you have accomplished. We salute you!"

Genghis smiled until Ramey hacked up a hairball and I turned to present my most magnificent bare ass. The crowd of barbarians went wild.

"I thought you were just going to flip him off?" Ramey said with a grin.

"Inspiration hit and I ran with it."

"A most impressive moon, my good man."

"What about you, I had no idea you could cough up one of those things on command."

"Oh, it's just something I've been working on for just such an occasion." Ramey smiled and we turned back to back to meet our first opponents.

The actual rules for such a contest were simple; we would each face three opponents. When all was said and done, if one or both of us were still alive, we were the winners.

"BEGIN!" cried out Genghis Khan.

Ramey's first adversary was a very large wolf, foam dripping from his jaws. Of course Ramey would get an easy one right off. My attacker was slowly advancing on me, twirling two short swords in a pattern that reminded me of a butterfly in flight. Seeing that I was unarmed, gave him a sense of confidence and he attacked quickly. A feint with his left hand was followed by a vicious slash with his right. I smacked the blade aside with the flat of my hand and grasped his throat. Before he could recover, I had snapped his neck.

I turned to see Ramey sitting atop the steaming remains of the wolf. Ramey had apparently strangled the creature with it's own rectum.

"Showoff." I said.

"Jealous." He replied.

The next two came in together, a lady and a tiger. She led the tiger to within about twenty feet of us. Then she released the beast. It lunged for Ramey who streaked beneath it on his way to the woman. Before she could move he was up her shoulder and down the other side. She screamed and grabbed her now empty eye sockets.

The tiger had turned to follow the streak that was Ramey and I grasped it's tail.

Before the big cat could turn on me, I lifted the critter high in the air and brought it crashing down across my knee, snapping its spine. Then I casually tossed it to the blinded handler.

The dying cat locked its jaws on the woman's head and they expired.

"A bit of overkill there don't you think?" Ramey asked grinning.

"Well you know how it is, heat of battle and all that."

"Yeah well pump up big boy, the rules just changed."

I turned to see a young man definitely not from this era. He carried two six guns slung low on his hips in cross draw style. I recognized him from wanted posters that various marshals and sheriffs had brought into the Val. They called him Dinky Marlowe, apparently because he was the runt in his family. I had heard that there was another reason for the name, but I couldn't personally say if those rumors were true.

The bum gave me no chance. At twenty yards, he drew both pistols and emptied them into my chest before I could hit the ground.

Big mistake!

Ramey was on the fellow before he could reload, moving faster than the eye could follow. Ramey literally took him apart.

Dinky managed to look down at his still beating heart in the dust at his feet before he fell in a heap. Actually, he fell in three different heaps. It took his brain a couple of seconds longer to realize that it was dead.

"Now that was overkill." I said as I stripped off my bullet riddled t-shirt and the dented bulletproof vest beneath it. While I probably could have shrugged off a couple of shots, I don't know that the old body could have handled that much punishment. I mean after all, I was called immortal before gunpowder was invented. We don't want to push our luck now do we?

"Nice grouping." Was Ramey's response, remarking on how nicely Dinky had placed all twelve shots in an area the size of a playing card.

I would have been impressed if my chest hadn't hurt so badly.

Behind us came the distinct sound of machinery, and the crowd began to shrink back from the edge of the arena, where they had been gathered from the beginning of this contest. But in all fairness to them, they had never seen a Sherman tank before.

"Uh Thor, this is a little out of my league."

Now I was ticked! It was bad enough that my chest had been bruised by those slugs, but now here was a freaking tank. And on top of all that, I was probably going to get a sunburn.

"ENOUGH!" I roared. "Listen Genghis, we had a deal and you reneged on it. Because of this, and the fact that I don't like you, I declare this contest over. Furthermore you are no longer welcome at my drinking establishment. Now release the girl and we shall be on our way."

The Khan was enraged.

"How dare you speak to me in this manner. Do you not realize that I truly am a god? I shall do as I please fool."

Ramey took off like a shot toward the raised platform of the Khan.

Genghis Khan pulled someone out from behind the platform and forced her to the edge. There he paused.

"If you want the girl so badly, here she is." He screamed as he pushed her from the platform toward the ground, a good forty-foot fall. I knew that she would not survive the impact.

If Genghis had not paused before shoving the girl, I doubt Ramey would have made it. As it was, it was going to be close. But even if Ramey got there in time, I didn't see what good it would do. He was far to small to break her fall, and far to noble to not make the attempt.

Ramey leapt halfway up the wall and seized onto the banner hanging there. With his razor sharp claws he slashed through a small section. Immediately his body weight began to tear the fabric downwards.

Just as the girl passed him on her earthward plunge, Ramey transformed. In less than an instant the cat changed into a young man in a tuxedo, who reached out and snagged the girl by the wrist. The extra weight caused the fabric to tear considerably faster, but still it broke their fall so that they reached the ground uninjured.

Ramey checked the girl for injury, and when he was satisfied that she was whole and unharmed, he grinned at me. "You're on big guy."

"Genghis Khan." My voice boomed across the arena. Your voice can do that if you're a thunder god. "Today you have claimed to be a god. You believed yourself in charge of this situation. You thought that you controlled that child's destiny." I gestured in the direction of Ramey and the girl. "Now Great Khan, you shall find out how wrong you were on all counts."

I whirled around on the tank and on the way I reached into the empty air and pulled my war hammer, Mjolner, from the nothingness that I keep it in. A pretty impressive trick. Pretty handy too.

The Sherman fired off a round from its main gun. I extended my arm and released a bolt of pure lightning. It arced across the field and struck the barrel of the gun just as the shell began to emerge, causing it to explode inside the tank. The explosion tore the turret completely off the tank.

I turned back to the Khan to see that all of the color had drained from his face causing his yellow skin to turn a sickly white.

I raised my hammer above my head and called down the whirlwinds. I released them on Genghis and him alone, allowing his followers to watch his humiliation. After a brief time I released him and said, "Now mighty one, if there is nothing else, I would take my leave."

Genghis Khan sat shivering like a scared schoolgirl. He did nod in our direction before he passed out.

Rather than gloat, we went on our merry way. The girl seemed a bit dazed but none the worse for wear. She didn't seem to be very thankful considering that we had just saved her life.

Then I heard it, the lightning crack of a slapped face. I turned to see the young lady striding purposefully back to the arena. I looked at Ramey questioning the evidence of my own eyes.

"She said that she would prefer to stay with her father, the great Genghis Khan, because he had dared defy a god. Can you believe that?" Ramey said, obviously stunned.

"Ramey old buddy, let's go get a drink."

I was behind the bar again, wiping out the glasses, and digging the jukebox, when I noticed the back of a well-dressed man with a very attractive woman on his arm.

"Hey Ramey," I called out. "Does she know?"

In answer to my question, the young woman faced me. There on her face, barely visible, I could see her whiskers.

Together they melted into the night.