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CHAPTER TWO How queer everything is today! I wonder if I've been changed in the night? But if I'm not the same, the next question is, "Who in the world am I?" Ah, that's the great puzzle. Wherever your love went and however the split finally happened, you're here now, in this strange new land of Sudden Singleness (otherwise known as separation). We say "sudden" because, for one thing, the separation may have come as a surprise if it was rather abruptly initiated by your husband. But, even if you expected the separation and had thought about it, dreamt about it, had nightmares about it, and played it out in your wildest imagination, there is still a time when life starts over again in a qualitatively different way, and it can be something of a shock. No matter if it was your choice or your husband's or a mutual decision, you are most likely not quite ready to be out in the world on your own. Extricating yourself (or being ousted) from a bad situation is one thing; recovering from the divorce and re-building your life is another. In Delia's words, "It was dreadful. I was heartbroken. It was sort of ironic because I'd been the one who left and made the positive choice for me, but I was still emotionally floored." The loss through divorce is massive-it's the death of a relationship, of a future together, of hopes and dreams, and of a good portion of your idealism about romantic love. As all the experts will tell you, it's important to realize that a divorce is second only to the death of a loved one in how profound the grief is and how enormous the stress is. This chapter is all about being kind and patient with yourself while going through one of the most difficult periods of your life. And, trust us, you will come out the other side eventually, so know that while the pain might be intense at times, it's only temporary. The Shock of the New Not long ago, you were safely ensconced in the bosom of coupledom. You belonged to someone, you fit in, you had the ground and planet beneath your feet. You had someone on your team, someone who was yours alone. You had a life that more or less made sense to you and your neighbors. You were married. For years you had imagined the rest of your life with this person. You saw the children in your head and wondered whose eyes they would get, if they would look more like you or him, what beautiful and gifted creature the combination of your genes would produce. You had learned how to manage the in-laws and come to some kind of fragile acceptance of the fact that you would be spending the rest of your life interacting with this second set of parents. You were part of a twosome and everyone always used your names in conjunction with another, like Bonnie and Clyde, Bogey and Bacall, Ernie and Bert. You shared many of the same friends and had each other to mull over all their quirks and idiosyncrasies. You imagined getting older with him and played out how the two of you might look and putter about as octogenarians. You were part of something bigger than yourself. You were part of an institution, for God's sake. You were married. Welcome to a brave new world. You may or may not have chosen this destination, but you're here now. And this new world is not necessarily inviting; there are no girls with hula skirts and leis welcoming you as you arrive at the gate. In fact, you deboard plane and no one's there to greet you. It's late at night and the airport's empty, all lit up with fluorescent lights and pitch-black outside, everyone else asleep in their houses. All you know is you have never been here before, and it feels like no one else has either. You are bewildered and even the familiar looks strange. You want to go home but you don't know where it is. You are suddenly single when you never thought you would be again. Speaking of home, you might ask yourself, what do I do when I go home? TV or rental movie? Trashy novel or magazines? You may discover new cable channels you never knew existed. Basically, you have no idea what to do with yourself because you're so used to doing everything with this other person. You may also have trouble deciding the smallest things. What do I wear to work? How do I get from point A to point B? What do I have for dinner? Kit Kat or Snickers? Chee-tos or pretzels? You're incredibly used to functioning one way (i.e., with a companion) and you haven't yet learned another, so every decision seems like a new one. You might find yourself having an out-of-body experience and becoming a curious observer of your own life. Wow, I go to McDonald's when he's not around. I buy six pints of Ben & Jerry's when I just shop for myself. Hmmm, I take up the whole bed when he's not here to take up half of it. Interesting how light the laundry load is when it's just for one person! You notice who you are without him, and in some ways it's similar but in lots of ways it's different. You are your own separate person, you realize, even if you'd forgotten. You talk to yourself because you are so used to having someone else in the apartment to announce things to or bounce things off, and you wonder whether you're now psychotic (you're not). However, you are in a state of shock. Your soul is undergoing an earthquake, and everything feels shaky and new. Know that this state won't last forever. Someday soon a degree of normalcy will return to your life and things will fall into place again-you'll develop new routines, new shopping lists, and alternative evening plans to prime-time television. You'll develop a life of your own, filled with things you enjoy. CHAPTER FOUR Losing a Bed, a Bank Account, and a Roommate Physical and Financial Separation Thank goodness for sofas and jointly owned automobiles. As soon as the argument can degenerate into a battle over property, the personal emotional ground can begin to be abandoned. As writer Ellen Gilchrist suggests with some wry humor, beginning the physical separation and the negotiation over concrete things in your shared life can feel like a strange relief after all of the emotional battles you've probably waged with yourself and your ex. But the reality is, the heartache will linger for a while, and your emotions will probably find a new way of expressing themselves in the division of assets. Moving and physically separating yourself from your ex is one of life's more challenging processes, and it's made all the more delightful by having to adjust to life on a single income. When your feelings are still raw and rough, it's incredibly hard to think sensibly and practically, but no matter where you are in the process (considering a separation or already in one), at some point you'll need to sharpen your pencil and start to plan your new solo life in all of its practical glory. In this chapter, whether you're the one staying or going, we'll offer ways to go about it all that can help make the logistics and all the attendant emotions as bearable and future-focused as possible. We'll also cover some basic steps you'll want to take in separating your finances, your material possessions, and other kinds of assets that need to be sorted out in order to make your separation and divorce a reality. Even if you can't see the light at the end of the tunnel right now, we promise you, things will get better. And if you're like us and the scores of women we interviewed, you'll find that the physical separation, once under way, gives you a new sense of the relationship and a new sense of your own strength, wisdom, and capacity for happiness. Economics Get Emotional Even if you're on excellent terms with your husband, be mindful of the fact that for many couples, the moving process and the division of money and shared belongings is an area where much of the pain, or the reason your marriage is ending, comes into play. This is because, in many ways, it's easier to argue about these seemingly objective, concrete, and tangible things than it is about the subjective, hazy, and hard issues of the heart. This means that it's important to keep your wits about you as you negotiate the new terrain and, in all areas, try to be true to yourself. While we're not suggesting that you treat your husband like an outright foe-and in fact, we were both fortunate to have husbands who generally acted graciously during this process-we do know that there are many instances among our interviewees of husbands who became absolute gladiators in this arena (and we don't mean in a cute Russell Crowe kinda way). The bottom line is, we want you to keep your interests front and center, and we believe you can do this while being a decent and honorable person to your soon-to-be ex. Should I Stay or Should I Go? Staying Put or Moving Out While many books and other authorities might suggest that you should stay put for better bargaining power-especially if you're a homeowner, or if there are significant assets in the shared space-this decision is highly personal and highly specific to your individual situation. Nevertheless, in our experience and research, the person who initiated the divorce is usually the one who has to move out, and the person who didn't (at least initially) want the divorce usually gets the option of staying. There are exceptions, of course, and sometimes finances or ownership will dictate what happens. Our friend Megan, for example, who had initiated her divorce, stayed in their house because she was the one who could afford the mortgage payments. Similarly, our friends Greta and Caitlin, who both decided to end their marriages, stayed in their places because they owned them prior to marriage. Other times, your emotions just tell you what to do, as was the case with Vickie who, though she didn't want their divorce, moved out for some fresh scenery. In either case, whether you stay or go, this is the time when you are undertaking the separation in earnest, so you should be mindful of the fact that you're about to experience a fairly crazy time, complete with some soaring new highs and some less-than-lovely new lows. This is often the time when the reality strikes you (and your soon-to-be ex) most acutely. Realize that this is part of the process. Give yourself over to those cathartic opportunities that arise as you move, purge, clean, renovate, and redecorate. Soon you'll be well on your way to starting life anew and letting the healing begin. Interim Arrangements: Gimme Shelter! It's possible that even though you've figured out who's staying and who's going, you don't have the resources to move immediately into something permanent. If this is the case, don't be shy about asking friends and family to put you up for a few weeks, even a few months. If you're not near your friends or family, get recommendations from them for friends in the area who could give you shelter for some period of time. Or, if these ideas just aren't possible, consider moving into a hotel for a few days or a week until you get your bearings. Credit cards are for crises like these. There's no harm in putting some mileage on your plastic for the peace of mind that you'll get by living on your own, even in a hotel. When Temporary Cohabitation with Your Husband Is Your Only Option We probably don't have to tell you that this is a highly undesirable situation, to be avoided if at all possible. If it's cost-savings you're after, think hard about the psychological and emotional costs such an arrangement will probably bring. As our friend Erin, who endured six months of living with her husband after they'd technically separated, put it, "I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy!" She and her husband were fortunate in that they had a two-bedroom, split-level condo, so her domain was upstairs, his downstairs. Nevertheless, it was extremely stressful. He became obsessed with the idea that she was cheating on him (she wasn't; she was diligent about not even dating anyone even though they were legally separated), and every communication was a confrontation. She got through this time by keeping very busy, working around the clock, and returning home just to go to sleep. Your case may not be as dramatic as Erin's was. You may find that you have to stay in your old place while you're searching for your new one, especially if the real estate market is tight. This is what happened to Elizabeth; she remained in the house with her husband for three months, both of them sleeping in the same bed because the futon was uncomfortable. Such an arrangement is bound to feel bizarre, and Elizabeth admits that she found herself, out of habit and concern, doing wifely things for him-buying his favorite ice cream flavor at the grocery store even though they weren't eating meals together, for example. If you find yourself in a similar situation, don't beat yourself up. It's incredibly hard to release a person and all of their preferences from your brain and heart. Do move on as soon as you can when you've found a room of your own-limbo is no fun.
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Not Your Mother's Divorce
Kay Moffett & Sarah Touborg
0-7679-1350-7
December 2003
$12.95