LARGE PRINT VERSION

  1. Describe your family’s first TV set.
    a. It was a huge wooden cabinet with two big knobs and a teensy screen featuring a black-and-white picture that I rarely saw because my dad was always standing in front of it adjusting the rabbit-ear antenna and saying bad words.
    b. It was a Sony.

  2. Who was featured on your first lunchbox?
    a. Davy Crockett.
    b. Vanilla Ice.
  3. Do you remember Howdy Doody?
    a. Of course.
    b.You are making that name up.
  4.  4. Who was the first living U.S. president whom you were aware of?
    a. Harry Truman.
    b. Vanilla Ice.
  5. Did you ever, personally, own a 78 r.p.m. record?
    a. Yes
    b. A what?
  6. Did you, later on, own a whole batch of 45 r.p.m. records that you wrote your name on the labels of and kept in a carrying case that had a handle? And you put little plastic inserts in the holes?
    a. Yes.
    b. Why did you need little plastic inserts for the holes?
  7. Have you ever thought that Beavis and Butt-Head is funny?
    a. No.
    b. Yes, I am always amused when they burp and go heheheheheh.
  8. Do you remember when there were no area codes? And there was only one gigantic Soviet Union­style telephone company? And all the phones were black and they belonged to the phone company and if you wanted to get a new one you had to wait in your house like a prisoner for days at a time until the phone company, taking its sweet time, decided to install one, as opposed to now, when they sell telephones at drugstores, as if they were breath mints? And do you remember a time when you weren’t incessantly bombarded with advertising about your long-distance options, because there WEREN’T any long-distance options? And phone numbers had letters at the beginning, reflecting your area of residence, such as (in my personal case) ARmonk 3, 3119, which made the numbers easier to remember? Do you think that one reason why children today can’t remember their multiplication tables is that they have to remember seven-digit phone numbers for their homes, plus their parents’ cell phones and beepers; not to mention their home alarm codes and various random PIN numbers; on top of which somebody–possibly hostile space aliens–keeps adding NEW area codes every other week, so that some day we’re going to have a separate area code for every single household in America and our brains will be so full of numbers that one day our skulls will start spontaneously exploding and people will try to call for help but they won’t be able to remember the seventeen-digit number that will no doubt soon replace 911?
    a. Yes.
    b. You’re saying there didn’t used to be area codes?
  9. Do you remember when pop singing stars with major hit records would go on TV shows–most notably Dick Clark’s American Bandstand–and the teenagers (the girls wearing sweaters; the boys wearing skinny ties) would dance the Stroll while the stars would lip-synch their records hilariously badly, as though they were hearing the songs for the first time?
    a. Yes.
    b. Dick Clark? The sweepstakes guy?
  10. Did you ever do the Slop?
    a. Of course.
    b. The what?
  11. Did you ever do the Humpty Dance?
    a. The what?
    b. Of course.
  12. Do you remember when “boss” was a popular slang term denoting approval, as in “Duane got a boss GTO”?
  13. a. Yes.
  14. b. That is pathetic.
  15. Who was Winky Dink?
    a. A cartoon character that you got out of trouble by drawing lines on a plastic thing you put on your TV screen.
    b. I’ll agree with “a” on this one.
    c. Hey! That’s cheating!
  16. Where were you the first time you heard the Beatles?
    a. In a station wagon.
    b. In a fallopian tube.
  17. Did you ever experiment with drugs?
    a. No.
    b. No.


Count the number of “a” answers, then refer to the following handy chart:
Your Score How Old You Are
You can ignore this. This is just another joke based on using unreadably small type. There will probably be a lot of them in this book. Let’s hope I eventually get bored with this idea

If you can’t read the handy chart, you’re old. But you knew that.

Use of this excerpt from Dave Barry Turns 50 by Dave Barry may be made only for purposes of promoting the book, with no changes, editing, or additions whatsoever, and must be accompanied by the following copyright notice: Copyright© 1998 by Dave Barry. All rights reserved.