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Why are routines and rituals so important for toddlers? |
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Routines and rituals give toddlers predictability, stability and, above all, security. As human beings we like to know what's coming next. When we get up in the morning we like having a ritual to turn to. We take a shower; read the paper; have a cup of coffee; go for a walk; whatever. Rituals are what keep the framework of the day dependable and therefore peaceful. The reason that we, as a society, have so much stress is that a lot of the time we're on unpredictable ground and have no ritual to fall back on. The same applies to us as individuals and particularly to kids of all ages. If children don't have that stable and secure foundation they don't know how to behave. They're always checking to see what they can use as their anchor. Routines and rituals help keep them focused on what's happening in their day. From wake up to bedtime everything follows a natural progression. Routines and rituals are also important because repetition leads to the mastery of skills. A young adult doesn't just jump in a car and drive perfectly from day one--he learns how to drive in stages by repeating certain actions. Toddlers use rituals in the same way.
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Parents naturally and unavoidably tend to compare their kids to other kids of the same age. What advice do you offer parents to help them avoid pushiness and cut down on "contests"? |
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I urge parents to remember that children develop at their own unique pace. When you put a challenge to a child who isn't ready what you're really doing is stopping that child's progress. What you're also doing, inadvertently, is shaming the child. Parents need to keep their feelings in check. If you're at a playgroup and you feel embarrassed when your toddler sits on the sidelines, you're not alone. Many parents do. But you need to keep your discomfort to yourself. Don't make excuses for your child's behavior: "Oh, she's just tired," or "She just got up from her nap." Children can sense your disapproval, and it makes them feel bad about themselves or think they've done something wrong. You have to remember that if your child isn't physically or emotionally developed enough to stand up and toddle across the room, nothing you can do will make her ready to do so.
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What's the most important thing parents need to know as they lay the groundwork for their toddler's first foray into the public world--their first friendship, first long trip, first dining-out experience, and so on? |
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The most important thing parents need to know is "Take it slow." I had an interesting conversation recently with a woman in a playgroup about her toddler son. She said, "When he was six months old we could take him out to a restaurant and he'd sleep through the meal. Now's he's eighteen months old and it's a nightmare." Parents like that need to realize that toddlers are curious about everything and, at the same time, have limited concentration. If this happens to you, you've got to take a big step back and then move forward in baby steps, reinforcing along the way. Instead of taking your toddler along for dinner, take him to Starbucks in the morning for coffee and a quick muffin, teach him a little bit about table manners, and then leave. You then build from there. If your child goes to playgroup and likes watching from the sidelines but you want to push him into the action, you have to realize that you'll have more success if you hold back and let him join the fun at his own pace. In order to make friends he has to make the move. So start slowly and recognize that each child has his limits and boundaries.
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