You know the old saying, luv: "Be careful what you wish for--you just might get it." If you're like most parents, I suspect that you spent a good part of the first eight months of your baby's life wishing things would get easier. Mom prayed he* would get over that colicky period, sleep through the night, and start taking solid food. And if Dad is like most men, he probably wished his little man would soon become less of "a blob" and more like the son he dreamed of playing touch football with. You both looked forward to the day Junior would take his first step and say his first word. You happily envisioned the day he'd pick up a spoon, put on a sock, and someday--please God--go potty by himself.

Now that your baby is a toddler, your wishes have come true-- and I'll wager that some days you'd just as soon turn back the clock! Welcome to what is probably the most strenuous and awe-inspiring stage of parenting.

The dictionary defines a toddler as "a small child roughly between the ages of one and three." Other books mark this phase of childhood when a baby first begins to "toddle," or walk with short, unsteady steps. For some, this can be as young as eight or nine months. Either way, trust me, if you have a toddler on your hands, you know it, no matter what a book tells you.

Though at first your toddler may be a tad shaky on her feet, your little darlin' is now truly ready to explore people, places, and things--without your help, thank you very much. She is becoming social, too. She loves to imitate. She can clap, sing, dance, and play side by side with other children. In short, she's more like a miniature person now than a baby. She's wide-eyed with curiosity, full of energy, and courts trouble constantly. The developmental leaps at this age are miraculous, but given the rapid changes and the rambunctious moments, it's no wonder you feel like you're under siege. Every container, every object your toddler can grasp, every electrical outlet, every cherished knickknack is fair game. From her perspective, it's all new and exciting; from your perspective, it can feel like an assault on you, your house, and everything in sight.

Toddlerhood clearly marks the end of infancy. It's also a sneak preview of adolescence. In fact, many experts think of this period in the same vein as the teenage years, because a similar separation process is under way. Mum and Dad are no longer the beginning and end of a toddler's world. In fact, as she rapidly ac-quires new physical, cognitive, and social skills, she also learns how to say "no" to you--a skill that also will serve her well in adolescence. Be assured, ducky, that's the good news. Indeed, it is through your child's exploration and struggles (often, with you), that your toddler begins to gain mastery over her environment and, most important, gains a sense of herself as a competent and independent being. Of course, you want your child to grow and to become more self-sufficient, even though at times the process is maddening. I know, be-cause I lived through it with my own children who, after all, were my first guinea pigs (and my best students). I think I did a pretty good job with my girls, who are now nineteen and sixteen. But that's not to say that it has been smooth sailing all the way. Believe me, raising any child is a very difficult job and comes with heaps of frustration and brick walls, not to mention tears and tantrums.

Baby Whispering:
The Foundation of Good Parenting

Aside from my own experience, I have counseled countless parents of toddlers--often those whose children I first met as babies--and I can help you get through these difficult years, which I define here as roughly the period from eight months (not so coincidentally where my last book ended) to two years plus. If you read my first book, Secrets of the Baby Whisperer, you already know my philosophy about children. All the better if you adopted a structured routine from the day your baby came home and if you've been using some of my strategies. I dare say, you're probably ahead of the game, because you already think in a way that will help you with your toddler.

However, I also recognize that some of you are new to my ideas, which were sparked when I first worked with children who had a range of physical and emotional impairments--children who often had no language skills. In my work with disabled children, I had to observe the nuances of their behavior and their body language and make sense of their seemingly unintelligible sounds in order to understand what they needed and wanted.

Later, spending my time almost exclusively with infants (including my own), I discovered that those skills worked just as well with babies. Having cared for over five thousand babies, I fine-tuned what one of my clients dubbed "baby whispering." It's quite like what a horse whisperer does, but here we're talking about infants. In both cases, we're dealing with sensate creatures, living beings who can't actually talk but express themselves nevertheless. In order to care for and connect with them, we must learn their language. Hence, baby whispering means tuning in, observing, listening, and understanding what's happening from the child's perspective.

Even though toddlers are beginning to acquire language and express themselves better than newborns do, the same principles of baby whispering that guide my work with infants can be applied to this age group. For those of you who didn't read my first book, be- low I offer a quick review of its major themes. If you have already read my first book, the following will be familiar. Think of it as a refresher course.

Every child is an individual. From the day a baby is born, she has a unique personality, as well as likes and dislikes of her own. Ther-fore no one strategy works for all. You have to find out what's right for your toddler. In Chapter One, I provide a self-test that will enable you to gauge what kind of temperament your child has, which in turn will help you understand what parenting strategies might work best with her. But even when divided into so-called types, each child is a one-of-a-kind phenomenon.

Every child deserves respect--and must learn to respect others as well. If you were taking care of an adult, you'd never touch, lift, or undress that person without asking permission and explaining what you're about to do. Why should it be any different with a child? As caretakers, we need to draw what I call a circle of respect around each child--an invisible boundary beyond which we don't go without asking permission or explaining what we're about to do. And we need to know who that child is before rushing in blindly; we must take into account what he or she feels and desires, rather than just doing what we want. Admittedly with toddlers this can be tricky, because we also have to teach them that the circle of respect goes both ways. Children at this age can be rather demanding and obstinate, and they have to learn to respect us as well. In these pages, I'll teach you how to respect your toddler and meet her needs without compromising your own boundaries.

Take the time to observe, listen, and talk with children, not at them. The process of getting to know your child starts the day he or she comes into the world. I always forewarn parents, "Never assume that your child doesn't understand you. Children always know more than you realize." Even a nonverbal toddler can express himself. Therefore, you have to sharpen your senses and pay attention. By observing, we begin to understand a toddler's unique temperament. By listening to him, even before he acquires spoken language, we begin to know what he wants. And by having a dialogue--conversing rather than lecturing--we allow the child to express who he really is.

Every child needs a structured routine, which gives his life predictability and safety. This principle, important in the early months of your baby's life, is even more important now that your child is toddling about. As parents and caretakers, we provide consistency and safety through ritual, routines, and rules. We let a child's nature and her growing abilities guide us and tell us how far she can go, and at the same time, remember that we are the grown-ups-- we're in charge. It's a paradox of sorts, allowing a child to explore and simultaneously making sure she knows that she has to live within the safe confines we create for her.

The above simple, down-to-earth guidelines provide the foundation upon which a solid family is built. Children thrive when they are listened to, understood, and treated with respect. They thrive when they know what's expected of them and what they can expect of the world around them. At first, their universe is small--limited to their home, their family members, and the occasional outing. If this first environment is safe, relaxed, positive, and predictable, if it's a place where they can explore and experiment, if they can depend upon the people in this tiny world, then they will be better equipped to take on new settings and new people. Remember that no matter how active, curious, difficult, or infuriating your toddler seems at times, for her, it's all a dress rehearsal for the real world. Consider yourself her first acting coach, director, and most adoring audience.

My Intentions: The Road to Harmony

Common sense, you say. Easier said than done, you say, especially when it comes to toddlers. Well, that's true enough, but I have a few toddler techniques up my sleeve that will at least help you understand what your toddler is all about and will, at the same time, give you a greater sense of competency and authority.

Although I've peppered these pages with research from some of the most respected child-development experts of our time, there are plenty of books out there documenting scientific advances. What good is science if you don't know what to do? To that end, what you find here will help you see your toddler through fresh eyes and act more responsively toward him. By seeing the world from his perspective, you will gain greater empathy for what goes on in his little mind and body. With hands-on strategies for dealing with the inevitable everyday challenges you both face, you will have an arsenal of tools at your fingertips.

I've outlined below a list of more specific goals. What I'm trying to create here is a solid mooring for your family. It's no accident, by the way, that these goals are equally applicable to older children, even teenagers (although hopefully they don't need potty training!).

This book will encourage, teach, and demonstrate through example, how to:

o View--and respect--your toddler as an individual. Rather than categorizing him by age, allow him to be who he is. I believe that children have a right to express their likes and dislikes. I also believe that adults can validate a child's point of view, even when it frustrates us or we don't agree.

o Cheer your toddler on toward independence--without rushing him. To that end, I provide tools that will help you gauge her readiness and teach her practical skills, such as eating, dressing, potty training, and basic hygiene. I bristle when parents call to ask, "How can I get my toddler to walk?" or "What can I do to make my child talk earlier?" Development is a natural phenomenon, not course work. Besides, pushing children is not respectful. Even worse, it sets them up for failure and sets you up for disappointment.

o Learn how to tune into your child's verbal and nonverbal language. While toddlers are infinitely easier to comprehend than newborns, they vary greatly in their ability to communicate. You must exercise patience and restraint when your child is trying to tell you something, and at the same time, know when to step in and offer your help.

o Be realistic--toddlerhood is a time of constant change. Some-times a parent whose toddler suddenly stops sleeping through the night might ask, "What's wrong with her?" when in fact, their little girl is just going through another stage of child growing and developing. One of the biggest challenges of parenting a toddler is that just when you get used to a certain kind of behavior or a particular level of competence--bam!--your child changes. And guess what? She'll change again and again and again.

o Promote your child's development and family harmony. In my first book I promoted my whole family approach in which the infant becomes part of the family rather than dominating it. That principle is even more important now. It's critical to create a happy, safe environment that enables a child to venture forth, and at the same time, keeps him out of harm's way and doesn't allow his antics to disrupt the family. Think of your home as a rehearsal hall, where your child learns to practice new skills, memorize his lines, and learn proper entrances and exits. You're his director, readying him for the stage on which the drama of his life will be played.

o Help your toddler manage his emotions--particularly his frustrations. The toddler years mark a time when children takes giant emotional steps. In infancy, your child's emotions were based on physical elements, such as hunger, fatigue, hot or cold, and feelings overtook her. As a toddler, though, her emotional repertoire will expand to include fear, joy, pride, shame, guilt, embarrassment-- more complex emotions caused by her growing awareness of herself and of social situations. Emotional skills can be learned. Studies have shown that children as young as fourteen months can begin to identify and even anticipate mood (theirs and their caretakers'), feel empathy, and as soon as they're verbal, talk about feelings as well. We know, too, that temper tantrums are preventable, or if not caught in time, are at least manageable. But the management of mood is far more important than simply keeping tantrums at bay. Children who learn to moderate high emotions eat and sleep better than children who don't; they have an easier time learning new skills and fewer problems socializing as well. In contrast, children who lack emotional control are often those whom both other children and adults would just as soon avoid.

o Develop a strong meaningful bond between Dad and your toddler. I know, I know: it's just not fashionable these days to suggest that Mum has more contact with the children, but in real life that's usually the way it is. In most families, it still takes extra effort for Dad to be more than a Saturday helper. We need to look at ways for fathers to be truly involved, connecting emotionally, not just as a play pal.

o Facilitate your child's becoming a social being. Toddlerhood is a time when your child starts interacting with others. At first your child's world will be somewhat limited to perhaps only two or three regular "friends," but as he marches toward the preschool years, social skills become increasingly important. Therefore, he will need to develop empathy, consideration of others, and the ability to negotiate and handle conflict. These skills are best taught through example, guidance, and repetition.

o Help you manage your emotions. Because dealing with a toddler is so demanding, you must learn how to be patient, how and when to praise, how to see that "giving in" isn't loving (no matter how adorable your toddler acts), how to put your love into action (not just words), and what to do when you're angry or frustrated. Indeed, the most current research on early childhood brings out a fact that is critical to good parenting: your child's temperament doesn't just determine her strengths and vulnerabilities, it influences how you treat her. If you have a "handful" of a child who seems to save up her tantrums for public places, unless you learn how to modify your own responses, get help, or exit from a stressful situation, there's a good chance that you will lose patience quickly, respond sharply, even resort to physical restraint which, sadly, will only make your child's behavior worse.

o Nourish your own adult relationships. Toddlerhood deprives mums of downtime. You need to learn how to spend guilt-free time away from your toddler and to make opportunities (because they may not naturally present themselves) that will enable you to replenish your own reserves. In short, you need to get quality time as much as you need to give it to your toddler.

Are the foregoing lofty goals? I think not. I see them met in families every day. Certainly it takes time, patience, and commitment. And for working parents, it sometimes involves tough choices--for example, whether or not to come home from the office a bit earlier so that your child doesn't stay up later than he should.

My intention is to arm you with information, help you feel more secure about your parenting decisions, and support you in discovering your own best approaches. In the end, I hope you will be a more sensitive parent, too, a toddler whisperer who is tuned in, confident, and loving.

How This Book Is Designed

I know that parents of toddlers have even less time for reading than parents of babies, so I've tried to design this book to be a quick read, and equally important, to make sense even if you start somewhere in the middle. Lots of charts, sidebars, and boxes will help you zero in on important concepts and can offer you at-a-glance guidance when you're too busy to actually pore through the pages.

I would suggest, though, that in order to acquaint yourself with my philosophy, read through Chapters One, Two, and Three before skipping to particular topics. (I assume you've actually read the Introduction as well; if you haven't, please do that, too.) In Chapter One, you'll find a discussion of nature and nurture, which work together. The "Who Is Your Toddler?" quiz will help you understand your child's nature--in other words, what he came into the world with. In Chapter Two, I offer "H.E.L.P.," an overall strategy for dealing with the nurture part of the equation. And in Chapter Three, I stress that toddlers learn through repetition. I underscore the importance of "R&R"--instituting a structured routine and creating other dependable rituals as well.

Chapters Four through Nine deal with the specific challenges of parenting a toddler. Read them in order or as particular issues pre-sent themselves.

Chapter Four, "Nappies No More," looks at how you can foster your child's growing independence--but not push her before she's ready.

Chapter Five, "Toddler Talk," is about communication--talking and listening--which can be both exhilarating and frustrating when we're dealing with children in their first two or three years of life.

Chapter Six, "The Real World," focuses on the all-important move from home to play groups and family outings, and helps you plan "rehearsals for change," controlled situations that allow your toddler to practice social skills and test out new behaviors.

Chapter Seven, "Conscious Discipline," is about teaching your toddler how to behave. Children don't come into this world knowing how they're supposed to behave or the rules of social interaction. If you don't teach your toddler, be assured that the world will!

In Chapter Eight, I talk about "time-busters," chronic, undesirable behavior patterns that can erode the parent/child relationship and drain time and energy from the whole family. Parents are often unaware of the many ways that they "train" their children . . . until the resulting difficulties upset their lives. This accidental parenting, a phenomenon I talked about in my first book, is the cause of just about every sleep-related, eating, or discipline issue I see. When parents don't recognize what's happening or know how to stop it, the problem becomes a time-buster.

Finally, Chapter Nine, "When Baby Makes Four," is about growing a family--making the decision about having another child, preparing your toddler and helping her deal with the new arrival, dealing with siblings, and protecting your adult relationships and nurturing yourself in the bargain.

You won't find many age-related guidelines in these pages, be-cause I believe that you should look at your own child, rather than read a book to learn what's appropriate for her. And whether the subject is toilet training or tantrums, you won't find me telling you, "This is the right way," because the greatest gift I can give you is the ability to figure out for yourself what works best for your child and your family.