Walking on Eggshells

Q & A with Jane Isay
Why did you write this book?
After 25 years of marriage, my husband and I decided to divorce for reasons you can read in the book. I was fortunate to rediscover my first love, and we were happy together. During this time, I didn’t spend much time with my grown sons, and things were not easy between us. We all felt the loss of family then, but I didn’t know what to do about it.

The big wake-up call came when my elder son called me one day and asked if I would go with him to his therapist. What a 21st century mothering task, I thought. He had things to tell me—that he loved me and was afraid that he was losing me. That began a conversation that continues for a decade —the first few years were hard, but they were worth it. A few years later, I apologized to his brother for not being the mother I should have been when he came home from college. That was difficult, too, but it totally changed our relationship for the better. I was lucky to have sons who weren’t going to let our closeness slip away. They made me realize that no matter how hard it is to take the first step, it is gets easier to continue on the path of renewed closeness and ease.

Weren’t you a book editor?
Yes, and I discovered some psychology best sellers like Alice Miller’s The Drama of the Gifted Child and the Search for the True Self, Mary Pipher’s Reviving Ophelia, and Rachel Simmons’s Odd Girl Out.

One day I realized that all the women in my generation were having problems with their adult children, but nobody knew what to do, and most people thought they were the only ones with this problem. Then I knew that a really good book could help. I tried for a couple of years to get some of my authors interested, but finally I decided to take the leap and write the book myself.

How did you do your research?
I traveled across the country, to big cities and small, and interviewed members of both generations, about 75 in all. It was an amazing journey. Men and women, from their twenties to their seventies were generous with their stories, and their honesty was astonishing. I heard happy stories and heartbreaking ones. As an editor with 40 years experience working with psychiatrists and psychologists, I listened very carefully, and began to discern patterns.

What were some of those patterns?
I heard stories of abusive fathers who, when they changed their ways, were welcomed back into their children’s lives. Many adult children described what it’s like when they go home for the holidays—and how they feel as if they were small children again and can’t keep from exploding at their parents. People told me about their troubles connecting with grown stepchildren, and how they struggled to stay in touch with their sons’ ex-wives. I heard stories of grown children trying to make their mothers happy, and how hard parents try to keep their children from making mistakes. Everybody I spoke with wanted this relationship to work—but some have mastered this new stage of parenting, and some are still struggling.

What is going on with the younger generation? They seem so distant and tense.
Many grown children confessed that they do not treat their parents very well, but they expressed deep love and gratitude, not only for the sacrifices they made, but also for the gift of life. These grown kids love their parents even when they aren’t returning their phone calls. Why? Well, they’re busy constructing their own lives—which they understand is important to their folks. They also need to create a space around themselves before they can come back.

Many of the adult children I spoke with are eager for a better relationship with their parents. One young woman taught her mother how to be a good grandmother to her sister’s kids, with help of some loving advice and some cookie mix to take on the plane.

People are so troubled with their 20-something kids. What’s going on here?
It turns out that people in their 20’s behave more like children: they are experimenting with independence, the way they did when they were two years old. So they ask advice and don’t take it, call parents and then get off the phone, and come home with dirty laundry and expect to be treated like adults. Across the board, I found that this situation improves with time.

One mom told me about the “turkey call,” when her daughter phoned her eight times on Thanksgiving, while her son called on the other line for her sweet potato pie recipe. She felt very lucky that day, even though her kids were far away.

Is there such a thing as a perfect family?
Absolutely not—and I have found that if you think a family you know is perfect, you don’t know them very well. Every family experiences a different kind of closeness with each parent and each child, and it changes over time. So the daughter who has caused the most sleepless nights may be the one your turn to when you’re unhappy at work. And the child who lives thousands of miles away and only calls with good news may be protecting you from her own sorrows. You just never know.

What’s the best way to give advice to grown kids?
Don’t. Advice is the worst thing parents can give the adult kids. They don’t like it, they resent it, and they will move out of range of parents who give it. Wise parents practice silence, and suffer gladly with what I call Shredded Tongue Syndrome. Even good advice is taken badly.

One worried mother warned her son about his drinking problem. He went into AA and is dry five years later, but he still isn’t talking to his mom. Beware the instinct to advise! A woman in the book whose seven children live nearby gave the best advice to parents: Keep your mouth shut and your door open.

When the grandchildren arrive, grandparents sometimes feel shut out of their children’s lives. What can be done about that?
One mother with two sons worked really hard to get close to her sons’ wives, and over time she was welcomed into the lives of the grandchildren.

Another woman, whose grown daughter moved home with her husband and teenage girl, just refused to take sides in their disagreements. She wound up being her granddaughter’s mentor and her daughter’s best friend. Sometimes it’s hard to watch your children bringing up their children in ways you don’t approve of, but acceptance is the key to closeness.

Many grown children appreciated their parents in a new way once they became parents themselves—grandkids can work miracles on many fronts, if you let them.

What do the parents of adult children want?
They want to be welcome in their children’s homes, to stroll through town with a son or daughter; they will of course be there for their kids in times of trouble, and they hope that their kids will eventually come to see them as the flawed—but loving—people they are. They’re not looking for perfection, but openness and warmth would be lovely.

What do adult children want?
The adult children I talked to want their parents to be happy. They want to be allowed to make their own mistakes. They want their parents to accept them, warts and all. One gay man fought with his mother until his partner’s photo was on the wall with the pictures of the rest of the family—and the family became so much closer when he won. They want their parents to be there for the grandchildren, and they will lovingly take back parents who were abusive or cruel—so long as they have apologized and changed their ways.

What do are the key findings of your book?
When our kids are grown, we have to grow with them, working to control our judgments and criticism, and learning to accept them for the people they are. We need to master the art of not giving advice—one wise mom called this Shredded Tongue Syndrome.

It’s a new stage of parenting, but one that we can work into gradually, since we have decades to learn the ropes. Because this new stage lasts so long, we don’t have to change everything overnight. Small acts of love an acceptance can make a tremendous difference in our relationships, and we can see how bit-by-bit things get easier and more relaxed. A good way to begin is to pick up the phone and chat without an agenda, or send a relaxed email about something of mutual interest.

Everybody wants this relationship to work. If parents turn one degree toward their grown children, the kids will turn another toward their parents. Eventually they will be face to face, embracing each other in love and acceptance.

What do both generations want?
They want to stop walking on eggshells.

Bio Q & A	Q & A with Jane Isay Why did you write this book? After 25 years of marriage, my husband and I decided to divorce for reasons you can read in the book. I was fortunate to rediscover my first love, and we were happy together. During this time, I didn’t spend much time with my grown sons, and things were not easy between us. We all felt the loss of family then, but I didn’t know what to do about it. The big wake-up call came when my elder son called me one day and asked if I would go with him to his therapist. What a 21st century mothering task, I thought. He had things to tell me—that he loved me and was afraid that he was losing me. That began a conversation that continues for a decade —the first few years were hard, but they were worth it. A few years later, I apologized to his brother for not being the mother I should have been when he came home from college. That was difficult, too, but it totally changed our relationship for the better. I was lucky to have sons who weren’t going to let our closeness slip away. They made me realize that no matter how hard it is to take the first step, it is gets easier to continue on the path of renewed closeness and ease. Weren’t you a book editor? Yes, and I discovered some psychology best sellers like Alice Miller’s The Drama of the Gifted Child and the Search for the True Self, Mary Pipher’s Reviving Ophelia, and Rachel Simmons’s Odd Girl Out. One day I realized that all the women in my generation were having problems with their adult children, but nobody knew what to do, and most people thought they were the only ones with this problem. Then I knew that a really good book could help. I tried for a couple of years to get some of my authors interested, but finally I decided to take the leap and write the book myself. How did you do your research? I traveled across the country, to big cities and small, and interviewed members of both generations, about 75 in all. It was an amazing journey. Men and women, from their twenties to their seventies were generous with their stories, and their honesty was astonishing. I heard happy stories and heartbreaking ones. As an editor with 40 years experience working with psychiatrists and psychologists, I listened very carefully, and began to discern patterns. What were some of those patterns? I heard stories of abusive fathers who, when they changed their ways, were welcomed back into their children’s lives. Many adult children described what it’s like when they go home for the holidays—and how they feel as if they were small children again and can’t keep from exploding at their parents. People told me about their troubles connecting with grown stepchildren, and how they struggled to stay in touch with their sons’ ex-wives. I heard stories of grown children trying to make their mothers happy, and how hard parents try to keep their children from making mistakes. Everybody I spoke with wanted this relationship to work—but some have mastered this new stage of parenting, and some are still struggling. What is going on with the younger generation? They seem so distant and tense. Many grown children confessed that they do not treat their parents very well, but they expressed deep love and gratitude, not only for the sacrifices they made, but also for the gift of life. These grown kids love their parents even when they aren’t returning their phone calls. Why? Well, they’re busy constructing their own lives—which they understand is important to their folks. They also need to create a space around themselves before they can come back. Many of the adult children I spoke with are eager for a better relationship with their parents. One young woman taught her mother how to be a good grandmother to her sister’s kids, with help of some loving advice and some cookie mix to take on the plane. People are so troubled with their 20-something kids. What’s going on here? It turns out that people in their 20’s behave more like children: they are experimenting with independence, the way they did when they were two years old. So they ask advice and don’t take it, call parents and then get off the phone, and come home with dirty laundry and expect to be treated like adults. Across the board, I found that this situation improves with time. One mom told me about the “turkey call,” when her daughter phoned her eight times on Thanksgiving, while her son called on the other line for her sweet potato pie recipe. She felt very lucky that day, even though her kids were far away. Is there such a thing as a perfect family? Absolutely not—and I have found that if you think a family you know is perfect, you don’t know them very well. Every family experiences a different kind of closeness with each parent and each child, and it changes over time. So the daughter who has caused the most sleepless nights may be the one your turn to when you’re unhappy at work. And the child who lives thousands of miles away and only calls with good news may be protecting you from her own sorrows. You just never know. What’s the best way to give advice to grown kids? Don’t. Advice is the worst thing parents can give the adult kids. They don’t like it, they resent it, and they will move out of range of parents who give it. Wise parents practice silence, and suffer gladly with what I call Shredded Tongue Syndrome. Even good advice is taken badly. One worried mother warned her son about his drinking problem. He went into AA and is dry five years later, but he still isn’t talking to his mom. Beware the instinct to advise! A woman in the book whose seven children live nearby gave the best advice to parents: Keep your mouth shut and your door open. When the grandchildren arrive, grandparents sometimes feel shut out of their children’s lives. What can be done about that? One mother with two sons worked really hard to get close to her sons’ wives, and over time she was welcomed into the lives of the grandchildren. Another woman, whose grown daughter moved home with her husband and teenage girl, just refused to take sides in their disagreements. She wound up being her granddaughter’s mentor and her daughter’s best friend. Sometimes it’s hard to watch your children bringing up their children in ways you don’t approve of, but acceptance is the key to closeness. Many grown children appreciated their parents in a new way once they became parents themselves—grandkids can work miracles on many fronts, if you let them. What do the parents of adult children want? They want to be welcome in their children’s homes, to stroll through town with a son or daughter; they will of course be there for their kids in times of trouble, and they hope that their kids will eventually come to see them as the flawed—but loving—people they are. They’re not looking for perfection, but openness and warmth would be lovely. What do adult children want? The adult children I talked to want their parents to be happy. They want to be allowed to make their own mistakes. They want their parents to accept them, warts and all. One gay man fought with his mother until his partner’s photo was on the wall with the pictures of the rest of the family—and the family became so much closer when he won. They want their parents to be there for the grandchildren, and they will lovingly take back parents who were abusive or cruel—so long as they have apologized and changed their ways. What do are the key findings of your book? When our kids are grown, we have to grow with them, working to control our judgments and criticism, and learning to accept them for the people they are. We need to master the art of not giving advice—one wise mom called this Shredded Tongue Syndrome. It’s a new stage of parenting, but one that we can work into gradually, since we have decades to learn the ropes. Because this new stage lasts so long, we don’t have to change everything overnight. Small acts of love an acceptance can make a tremendous difference in our relationships, and we can see how bit-by-bit things get easier and more relaxed. A good way to begin is to pick up the phone and chat without an agenda, or send a relaxed email about something of mutual interest. Everybody wants this relationship to work. If parents turn one degree toward their grown children, the kids will turn another toward their parents. Eventually they will be face to face, embracing each other in love and acceptance. What do both generations want? They want to stop walking on eggshells.
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