Exercise: How Connected Are Your Kids?
There are lots of questions you can ask yourself if you want to know just how connected your child is. Below, I’ve listed a few that are adapted from questionnaires that are given to children to assess their capacity for citizenship and their ability to participate in their communities and make a positive contribution.
Thinking about your child, answer the following questions. There is no perfect profile, no wunderkind who will impress everyone. But in beginning to think about your child as a responsible member of not only your family but also in his school and community, we need to first consider his or her strengths. Every child has a unique pattern to how he or she handles conflict and responsibility. Our goal as parents should be to edge our children towards more responsible, compassionate behaviour.
Section One: Life at Home
1. If your child wants something done his/her way, does your child:
a. Insist and argue, but never compromise
b. Insist and argue, then compromise
c. Just give in
2. You overhear your child making a joke about someone that insults that person’s race or religion. What does your child do when he/she notices you listening?
a. Repeats the joke so you can hear it
b. Gets embarrassed and apologizes
c. Gets angry and tells you that you shouldn’t be listening
d. Ignores you
3. Your child overhears you and your spouse talking about a relative of yours and his drinking problem. When your child next meets that relative, does your child:
a. Avoid contact with him
b. Look really uncomfortable but act politely
c. Ask him why he drinks so much
4. When something good happens for someone else in his/her family, does your child:
a. Ignore the accomplishment
b. Help plan a celebration (like a special meal or small gift)
c. Put the person down
5. Your child is told a secret by his/her sibling. It’s not about anything dangerous, but it is something the child’s sibling doesn’t want anyone else to know. Does your child:
a. Tell you what was said in secret
b. Keep the secret
c. Tell his/her sibling, “You should tell Mom/Dad.”
6. Your child’s favourite piece of clothing is missing from his/her room. Your child:
a. Crying and screaming, accuses others of taking it
b. Asks if anyone knows where it is
c. Shrugs and asks to buy another
d. Cries, but won’t tell anyone why
Section Two: Life at School
7. If there is a school election for class president, does your child:
a. Think it’s important
b. Offer to run for the position or make known to others who he/she supports
c. Talk to his/her parent(s) about the election campaign
d. Ignore the election
8. A classmate of your child’s calls and asks your child for the answers to the evening’s homework. Your child:
a. Gives him/her the answers
b. Tells the classmate to do the homework himself/herself
c. Offers to help, and explains how the homework is done
9. A classmate is being teased at school about being a homosexual. Does your child:
a. Tease the child too
b. Tell others to stop teasing him/her
c. Tell you about the teasing
10. In your child’s class at school there is a boy with cerebral palsy who needs extra care. When the teacher asks for a volunteer to help him with his school work, your child:
a. Looks down and says nothing
b. Makes jokes about the boy
c. Volunteers
11. Your child is accused of being in a fight at school. Do you:
a. Immediately blame the other child for starting the fight
b. Doubt your child could ever get into a fight and believe that the school must be mistaken
c. Punish your child without delving into who is really to blame
d. Ask your child to explain what happened and expect him/her to accept the consequences
12. In school, if your child needs help from a teacher, does he/she:
a. Ask the teacher for help
b. Ask you to ask the teacher to help him/her
c. Do nothing and fail or get poor grades
13. A group of children are excluding your child. Does your child:
a. Threaten them
b. Ignore them
c. Ask you for advice
d. Find other friends
14. If a child brought drugs or a weapon to school, would your child:
a. Tell a teacher or administrator
b. Tell you
c. Tell the other child that this is dangerous
d. Tell the other child how “cool” he/she is and say nothing about the drugs or weapon
15. At your child’s school, when the staff plan events, is your child:
a. Included in the decision-making process
b. Told that these are decisions made by adults
c. Allowed to make a token decision, something that students can decide but that is of little consequence to them
Section Three: Community Life
16. Your child is on a sports team or involved in another group activity with children who won’t let him/her participate as often as the other children. Does your child:
a. Stand up for his/her rights and tell the coach/leader
b. Complain to you about his/her treatment
c. Drop out
17. If your child is in trouble, will he/she:
a. Trust a police officer for help
b. Trust others besides you to help him/her
c. Do nothing and let the situation get worse
18. How do others in your community see your child? Does your child hear he/she is:
a. Trustworthy
b. A troublemaker
c. Just like all other young people
19. If your son or daughter is being told he/she can’t do something because of gender, does your child:
a. Argue back and insist he/she get an opportunity to try
b. Complain but do nothing
c. Ask for help to change the rules that exclude him/her
20. Your child’s aunt recently passed away from cancer. A fundraiser is planned in her honour. Does your child:
a. Help organize the event
b. Raise funds and participate
c. Avoid doing anything
d. Say he/she will raise some money but never follow through on his/her promise
21. When your child gets angry at someone, does your child:
a. Hurt him/her
b. Avoid him/her
c. Try to resolve the conflict
22. If people in your neighbourhood hold an event, like a street party or park clean-up, does your child:
a. Avoid participating
b. Tease others who participate
c. Offer to help
d. Do something to ruin the event
23. If someone gets hurt at the playground, does your child:
a. Offer to get help from any adult who is available
b. Laugh or ignore the accident
c. Come and tell you about it later
d. Feel upset, even cry about what he or she saw happen
24. If your child found a wallet on the street with fifty dollars in it, and no obvious identification, would your child:
a. Keep the wallet hidden from everyone, even his/her parents
b. Bring the wallet home and ask his/her parents to help find the owner
c. Ask his/her parents to take him/her to the police station to turn it in
Engaging and timely, this book is an invaluable resource for parents who want their children to become socially responsible and globally aware adults
As youth culture seems to grow more self-centred and obsessed with "Me,"Michael Ungar shows us that, in fact, children today are as willing as ever to think "We." Given the right signals, and some important changes to the homes we live in, our schools and communities, kids will seek out close connections with the adults in their lives. Like generations before them, they want to be noticed for the contributions they can make. What they need, though, is compassion and encouragement from parents, and some careful attention to their most important connections, those made at home. Combining inspiring stories taken from his clinical work with families and children with expert research gathered from around the world, Ungar reveals how the close connections kids crave, and the support adults provide, can help kids realize their full potential – and how it can also protect them from the dangers of delinquency, whether it be drug abuse, violence, or early sexual activity.
At a time when global issues and activism have come to the forefront, We Generation offers a fresh, optimistic way of thinking about our children’s true nature and potential.
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