The Magic of Making Love with Words
". . . with sweetness through mine ear,
Dissolve me into ecstasies"
Words are wonderful aphrodisiacs! With words, you can stimulate the pleasure centers in your partner's mind so they send shivers of sensual delight through his entire body. With words, you can help her become more relaxed and receptive to your touch. With words, you can ignite his erotic imagination or lift her to the heights of unbridled passion. And with words, you can melt the barriers that may be keeping you and your lover from experiencing the profound joy of a sacred sexual union.
Until very recently, most "experts" on the art of making love have ignored, underplayed or underestimated the importance of words and verbal communication in creating a fulfilling sex life. Books abound on physical techniques for stimulating your lover, positions for experiencing increased passion and methods for extending the duration of your orgasms. Other works explain how to communicate with your partner about the difficulties and frustrations you are having in your sexual relationship. But where are the instructional guides that show you how to use the language of love to arouse, delight and nourish your partner and bring enriching new dimensions to your sex lives? Why has the physical act of making love been given so much more attention than the verbal?
The truth is that writers of sex manuals find it easier to focus on improving sexual performance than on expressing erotic feelings for the same reasons that many lovers find it easier to make love silently than to put their sensual experiences into words. You see, sexual bonding, whether we're writing about it or experiencing it directly, opens us to our deepest longings for connection, to the awareness that we are truly interdependent and therefore vulnerable to each other. Words make tangible the unspoken ache in our bodies and yearning in our hearts.
When you tell your lover "I need your touch" or "I want you so much," you are allowing yourself to be emotionally exposed. This exposure gives your partner the power to hurt you, which we all fear, but it also is the basis for true intimacy, and profound connection with another human being. Words can become a bridge across which the loving energy in your body, heart and soul can travel. They can become the keys that can unlock the hidden delights of your secret sexual fantasies. Your words and the sound of your voice can become the rhythms that accompany your sexual dance and help your passionate connection to thrive when you are apart. Through the language of love, you can reveal the many delicious dimensions of your physical, mental, emotional and spiritual loving.
REDEFINING EROTIC TALK
Many people think of "erotic talk" as being synonymous with "talking dirty." Certainly, well-timed explicit sexual conversation can be a wonderful way of celebrating the sheer joy of intimate connection. It can add an earthy, lusty element to lovemaking and convey to your partner the intensity of your physical passion. It is one aspect of what I've termed the "fine art" of erotic talk.
But erotic talk is also a form of communication you can use in those moments when the quality of your desire is more delicate or playful or tender, or when you're feeling a deep appreciation for the pleasure your mate is bringing into your life. It can be an imaginative medium that lets you share a sexy fantasy or create dialogue for its enactment with your lover. It can convey your awe of the depth of emotional or spiritual connection that you share with your lover.
When you begin to notice the subtlety and variety of mood states that interplay with your sheer physical desire, emotions that sometimes yearn for verbal expression even more than simple graphic accounts of your lust, you can understand why "talking dirty" is such a limited concept when applied to erotic talk. Similarly, when you are listening to your lover express his passion for you, the kinds of words and phrases that excite you can be equally distinctive and varied. A simple acknowledgment by your mate of how attractive or special or sexy you are might evoke a sudden rush of sensual energy throughout your body. Or perhaps a love song sung softly in your ear while the two of you are dancing sends a delicious thrill up your spine.
In fact, right now, try a little experiment: Close your eyes for a moment and imagine that your beloved, or someone to whom you're very attracted, is calling out your name. First imagine that there is an undertone of "You're very precious to me" in his or her voice. Notice how the uttering of your name in this context makes you feel. Perhaps a warm glow begins to surround the area around your heart. Or maybe you feel a tingle of excitement running up the back of your neck. Now, imagine that the message your lover is conveying with the repeated calling of your name is "I want you now." What feelings are being generated in your body? Is there a rush of energy to your lower torso, or a shudder of delight that courses through your entire being? Enjoy the sensations.
Next, picture yourself at a party in deep conversation with someone to whom you're very attracted. Suddenly this fascinating person says to you. "You know, I love the way you're looking at me right now." Or perhaps you're on the dance floor, moving to your favorite music, when your partner whispers in you ear, "Honey, I really enjoy the way you feel in my arms." Or maybe you're just kissing goodnight after a first date and you hear, "Mmmm, your lips taste so good to me." Again, notice the sensations such words generate in your body and enjoy them.
All of the examples above are forms of erotic talk, which this book defines as any verbal or vocal expression that generated or intensifies passion. It can be used in the very first encounter with a perspective lover to create a romantic mood, to build intimacy between lovers or to enhance the sensual bond between established couples.
Erotic talk can be used to gather information on how to arouse and satisfy your lover and to give your partner guidance in the most effective ways of pleasing you. It can provide you with a greater variety of ways to enjoy safe sex. It can even transform the usually awkward, cumbersome period of preparing for safe lovemaking into moments of excitement and fun. And erotic talk can be used as a form of lovemaking in and of itself. When you must be apart from your partner for long periods of time, sexy communications via the phone, the mail or the Internet can keep the romantic and sexual sparks alive over the miles.
When we make love, we connect not only with our bodies but with our minds, hearts and spirits as well. We may be able to become aroused and feel sexually nourished from our lover's touch and physical caresses, but we need verbal caresses to nourish our intellectual, emotional and spiritual selves. As we reach into each other's hearts and souls with our words of love and desire, we can create a profound, passionate bond that can last a lifetime.
MAKING EROTIC TALK A NATURAL PART
OF YOUR DAILY LIFE
You do not have to wait until you and your partner are in bed, getting ready to make love, to start practicing erotic talk. You can begin to incorporate romantic and sensual words into your everyday routine. For instance, Jed and Darlene,* a couple who attended my erotic-talk seminars and diligently practice what they learned, now make erotic talk a significant part of their daily lives.
"We begin every morning with a statement about how much we enjoy loving or sleeping next to each other," says Jed. "I might tell Darlene, 'I love the way you smell' or 'It feels so good to hold you in my arms like this.' She might say to me something like 'I still feel the wonderful sensations from our lovemaking last night' or simply 'Thank you for making me feel so good.'"
Darlene continues, "Since Jed leaves for work before I do, I like to send him off with one of Bonnie's 'take-out fantasy specials.' I might tell him, 'During your coffee break, honey, just sit back at your desk, relax and imagine that I'm standing behind you gently massaging the back of your neck. Then I begin to run my fingers through your hair as I plant little kisses behind your ear. Then I reach around and slowly unbutton your shirt one button at a time. You can take the rest of the fantasy as far as time will allow, knowing you can complete or repeat it with me in person when you come home tonight.'"
Jed laughs. "I really look forward to my coffee breaks! She used to send me off with take-out fantasies about playing sexy games with me while hiding under the conference table during my staff meetings. But I found that such thoughts really interfered with my ability to concentrate on the tasks at hand and made it embarrassing for me to stand up after the meetings were over! So now she gives me fantasies I can focus on when I'm alone.
"Sometimes, during lunchtime, I'll call up Darlene at work. If she's not busy, I'll use another of Bonnie's special techniques called 'preview of coming attractions.' I'll begin to describe to Darlene how I'm planning to pleasure her when we're in bed that night. If she is too busy to take the call or to listen to my erotic inspirations, I tell her, 'I'm leaving a preview of coming attractions in your e-mail.' (We both have private codes, so no one else can have access.) 'Read it when you have a chance.'"
Darlene and Jed also use my method of "erotic feedback" to fine-tune their sensitivity to each other's sexual preferences. They each let the other know what kinds of touch and what sexual positions are especially pleasing and what they want and need to make them feel even more aroused. They have learned how to do this in ways that are sensual and encouraging rather than clinical and critical. For example, Darlene might say, "Honey, you know what I need from you most right now . . ." as she begins to describe the way that she wants to be loved at that moment. Or Jed might say, "Sweetie, what you're doing right now is perfect. Please don't stop."
Jed and Darlene have also learned to use "erotic entrainment" (Darlene's favorite technique) to help each other relax after a stressful day and move into a mote mutually sensual space. For example, if Darlene is feeling rather amorous, but Jed is somewhat preoccupied with another matter, she'll first acknowledge his preoccupation and listen quietly while he expresses his concerns. Then, when it's clear to him that she understands and respects what he is feeling, she uses her words, tone of voice and breath to soothe him and gradually create an erotic mood. (Step-by-step guidance in this procedure will be demonstrated in Chapters 4 and 6.)
She might bring back a memory of a delightful time they had together and suggest that they re-create the experience. For example, she might say something like 'Honey, do you remember that little French restaurant next to the beach that we ate at last May? The food was great, but what I remember most is the walk we took on the beach afterward and the way we made love under the boardwalk like a couple of teenagers. Maybe we could go back there this weekend--for dinner and other activities." He might reply with "Mmmm, that would be nice. But, in the meantime, let's go upstairs and pretend that our bed is really the sand under that boardwalk."
Jed's favorite form of erotic talk is another process he learned in my class called "erotic-dream induction." "Just as we almost always give each other a sensual wake-up message each morning, we try to send each other to sleep with a suggestion for a rapturous dream. For instance, I might tell Darlene, 'As you drift off to sleep, I want you to imagine that you're floating in a tropical lagoon in Tahiti. I'm gently supporting you in the water, so you can completely let go. As you do so, you can feel the healing waters and my love for you infusing every cell of your body. You can sleep peacefully knowing you're loved, cherished and completely at home in the universe.'"
Perhaps you're thinking that you're not a very imaginative person and would have a hard time coming up with fantasies of your own. Or maybe you're somewhat shy about expressing your erotic feelings, whatever they are, in words. Don't worry. Erotic talk is a skill that can be learned. Whether you are a naturally articulate, imaginative person or not, in the pages that follow, you will learn how to make sensual speaking effortless and enjoyable.
You will also be guided in ways to fine-tune your erotic-listening skills so that your lover's voice can become as exciting to you as looking at her body or feeling his touch. And whether you have a naturally sexy voice or not, you will learn how to maximize its erotic potential. Let's now take a look at what you can do to tune your voice, your instrument for speaking erotically, so that the sounds it puts forth are attractive and alluring.
*All names have been changed to protect the privacy of the individuals mentioned.
Excerpted from The Fine Art Of Erotic Talk by Bonnie Gabriel. Copyright © 1996 by Bonnie Gabriel. Excerpted by permission of Bantam, a division of Random House LLC. All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher.