Decency Begins in the Home
Sound scientists who consult for DOHD have proven that it is just a short journey from an indecent, unkempt home to teen pregnancies, abortions, terrorists lurking in our shopping malls, atheists and liberals working hard to destroy Christmas, activist judges allowing OHFs to get married, and the end of life in the Homeland as we know it.
To stop this, Homeland families must now meet certain Home and Yard Guidelines. These are simple to adapt to anyone's life. Those who have trouble--say, removing dandelions from their yards--will find that in the new, improved (i.e., decent) Homeland, their neighbors will not tolerate it and will report these indecencies to us. This can be avoided by learning the major Home and Yard Guidelines for Decency and following them to the letter.
ARTICLE I: DECENCY TRUMPS PRIVACY
(OR, YOUR HOUSE IS OUR HOUSE)
The Heart of the Homeland is the home. Nowhere else is the need for decency in all things more crucial. Indeed, our march backwards to the future begins in the home.
While DOHD believes a man's home is his castle, decency trumps privacy in all matters of the Homeland.5 DOHD has the keys to every castle, including yours.
ARTICLE II: A PERFECT HOMELAND FAMILY
In the home, Mommy and Daddy, along with their children, maintain a loving relationship that is based on hard work, discipline, and knowing one's place in the Homeland's grand and glorious scheme for decency. Daddy works hard and provides for the family.
Mommy also works very hard, but in the home. It is her responsibility to wash, dust, mop, disinfect, pick up, hang up, create order and sterility throughout the home, and get pregnant often. She shops and cooks and has dinner on the table for Daddy when he returns home. She submits to her husband in the acceptable Homeland Way. (For specifics, see Section II, Article II: Doing "It" the Homeland Way.)
The children are quiet, disciplined, and maintain a healthy fear of their parents.6 If the children are homeschooled by Mommy, they remain in the home until after school and homework is completed. After that, boys may go outside and engage in decent and wholesome war games. Little girls should remain indoors and play with dolls.
ARTICLE III: PROPER NUTRITION
BEGINS AT HOME
Nutrition is Mommy's responsibility, so she must familiarize herself with what a growing family needs. Our great Homeland food industry is working hard to feed the Homeland with ever-more-nutritious, genetically modified meals enhanced with salt and sugar for great taste and preservatives to make them last.
RED MEAT. Meat nurtured the pioneers in the Old West. Homelanders should honor this history by eating even more meat than the pioneers ever dreamed possible. Homeland meat is safe and good for us and the economy. Families that don't eat meat become weak and pale and unable to defend their country against the forces of indecency, which are often non-meat-eating terrorists.
Vegetarianism is unacceptable in the Homeland. It places the Homeland at terrible risk.
ORGANIC FOODS. Organic products tend to be expensive, small, bruised, sugar-free, and produced or manufactured without the aid of our Homeland fertilizer/insecticide/herbicide corporations. The Mommy who buys fresh fruits and vegetables exclusively is not taking advantage of the frozen and processed foods that Homeland manufacturers strive so hard to make uniform and attractive. Additionally, fresh organic food does not have a long shelf life and is therefore of no use to Homeland families during crises (e.g., blizzards, terrorist attacks on traditional marriage, activist judges' decisions).
THE REFRIGERATOR. What you put on the outside of your refrigerator says as much about you as the inside. Grocery lists are wholesome. Doonesbury comic strips are not.
ARTICLE IV: A PERFECT EXTERIOR
Weeds signify a lack of discipline and personal responsibility. DOHD strives for a chemical service sign on every lawn to show that homeowners care about liberating the Homeland of dandelions, crabgrass, creeping Jenny and Charlie, or clover. Weeds are often used by the indecent to cover up anything in the yard that might be smokable, psychedelic, or mind-altering.
The lawn should be mowed in an easy-to-understand back-and-forth pattern. Artistic willy-nilly mowing is not easy to understand and is often a coded message to other members of hidden sleeper cells of the indecent.
Gardens should not spill over onto lawns. There must be a clear line between the two, just as there is a clear line between decency and indecency. Wildflowers or anything termed "native" is not an acceptable substitute for grass.7
Shrubbery must be modest and not take up more space than the lawn. There should always be more lawn than shrubbery, gardens, and garden ornaments. When planting any new yard, please refer to the DOHD "Manual on Lawns" for lawn-to-shrubbery-to-garden-to-lawn ornament ratios.
Those who wish to ornament their yards may do so, but not in a way that draws undue attention. Gnomes, wishing wells with elves, creches or mangers (any time of the year), jockeys, deer, the Homeland's flag, or wooden cutouts of the backside of an elderly woman bending over her garden are all acceptable.
A UN flag, lawn signs protesting any Homeland policy or practice, and peace signs are not. A yard cluttered8 with peace signs or the UN flag interferes with your neighbor's right to decency.
ARTICLE V: THE HOME LOOKSEE
Agents will make random checks of every Homeland citizen's home. You may assist the DOHD agents by always keeping your drapes open. Closed drapes raise suspicion. When you see the big black DOHD SUVs in your neighborhood, turn on your lights both outside and inside. Call someone on the phone as well, so agents can listen in. This will make it easier for DOHD agents to know what's going on in your home.
In cases where DOHD agents need to do more than just look, they will knock on your door for a more in-depth LookSee. If you are not at home, they will let themselves in with their Homeland Key.
The following is a partial listing of what a DOHD agent will look at during the typical Home LookSee. It is impossible for us to provide a complete list because new items are being added all the time, whenever we feel like it, for reasons we can't talk about because it will tip off the indecent.
OUTSIDE THE HOME
CARS. DOHD likes to see two cars parked neatly in the driveway or in the garage. They should be at least midsize sedans and preferably station wagons, vans, or SUVs. Cars must not be rusty, dented, or otherwise old. DOHD likes new cars. New cars show that you support your neighbors and the Homeland by spending money to support the Homeland auto industry.
HOUSING MATERIALS. Housing materials are left to the owner's discretion. However, solar panels indicate you are thumbing your nose at the Homeland's energy industry. This industry works tirelessly to keep the Homeland healthy and strong, and if Homelanders don't support it, it will need tax breaks and even more government support and contracts to remain robust.
INSIDE THE HOME
READING MATERIALS. What kinds of magazines are on your coffee table? Is it the Utne Reader (indecent) or The National Review (decent)? Which newspapers? Which books? Are they by Al Franken or Jon Stewart (both very indecent)? Or a Harlequin romance and the Bible (good, decent, and wholesome)? Are there books of essays on your coffee table? DOHD is opposed to essays.9
WHERE DO YOU SURF? The websites of French newspapers? Have you ever visited Michael Moore's website, even accidentally?
YOUR ANSWERING MACHINE. It will help us if you keep a list of incoming and outgoing calls, along with subject matter, length of call, and how much you like the person you talked to, just in case we were too busy to listen in. This is very important to know, in case we determine the person you called to be indecent. In that case, we might need to investigate you, your family, your neighbors, your coworkers, your auto mechanic, your accountant, and your dentist further.
YOUR FAMILY ALBUMS. Do you have photos you would not feel comfortable showing to everyone? Have you ever appeared naked in a photo? Or on a webcam? Questionable photos will be confiscated.10 We will also monitor the number of photos of your family in normal Homeland situations, such as playing baseball, eating apple pie, saluting the flag, and praying.
YOUR TELEVISION. What's on TV when we walk in the door? Are you following the DOHD Viewing Pyramid?11 Is Fox News its base? Liberal news programs and sitcoms confuse children and adults and can turn a whole family into secular humanists who sleep in on Sunday mornings and miss church.
If you pass your Home LookSee, or any other LookSee mentioned in this manual, the Homeland is becoming more decent every day because of your efforts.
If you did not pass any of the LookSees, refer to "Appendix A: Proscribed Punishments" for an explanation of what might happen to you, your family, and everyone you know.
ASK YOURSELF THIS!
Will DOHD find library books in your house? Librarians tend to obstruct and interfere with decency by buying books about indecent subjects written by those who live indecent lifestyles, and that makes libraries very dangerous places for children. Especially the Reference Department, where a child can be exposed to "it," experimental theater, and vegetarianism.12 Ask yourself this: What could my children learn at the library that I don't know and that would make me feel stupid if I didn't know it before they did?13 Why wouldn't I rather have my children do research at home, where parental locks have been placed on the Internet and on the television?
DOHD scientists have proven that
Mommies who try to initiate "it" make
men nervous and anxious and unsure
of the masculinity that is so crucial in
maintaining our Homeland's potency,
firmness, and decency.
How to Do "It"14
in a Decent Home
ARTICLE I: TALKING ABOUT "IT"
How we in the Homeland handle "it"--whether talking about "it," thinking about "it," teaching about "it," depicting "it" in books and movies, or actually doing "it"--says a lot about us and our proud march backwards to the future. Therefore, when discussing "it," DOHD regulations require everyone to use the term "it" and nothing else. Furthermore, when discussing those private parts used during the actual doing of "it," the only DOHD-approved terms are: "down there," "private parts," "Mr. Johnson," "Mrs. Johnson," "hoo hoo," and "it."
Only the extreme sensitivity and modesty of this rule will protect everyone in the Homeland from liberals, secular humanists, Hollywood, France, and, of course, homosexual recruitment. This regulation will especially protect our children, who are weak and easily influenced by the aforementioned hedonists, terrorists, and liars.
Discussing "it" in public is immoral. Therefore, it is illegal to discuss "it" unless all the following conditions are met: You are married, are attempting to do "it" with your spouse, are having some kind of problem, and the lights are out; or you are explaining to your children why they don't have to know what "it" is until they are married.
ARTICLE II: DOING "IT" THE HOMELAND WAY
Because our Intelligent Designer designed "it" to be done by a Mommy and a Daddy, the very intimate and private parts of the Mommy and Daddy15 fit together perfectly when they do "it." This is why they can finish "it" quickly and quietly without moaning or screaming and then get up and go about daily life as if nothing happened.
On the other hand, if two Mommies do it together, or two Daddies, the parts don't fit, causing great pain and anguish, which leads to moaning and screaming, bed-squeaking, joint problems, falling property values, urban blight, STDs, cancer, and vulnerability to terrorist attacks.
Anyone married can legally do "it" with their spouse if they do "it" the Homeland Way, a method developed by a DOHD panel of male scientists. The Homeland Way is: one man, one woman, in the dark, shades down, doors closed, no protection, no marital aids, no cameras, man on top, woman on bottom, face-to-face, eyes shut, private parts inserted where they are supposed to be and nowhere else, and no fantasizing about liberal Hollywood celebrities while in the act of doing "it." If your mind wanders while you are doing "it," it is acceptable to keep it on topics like sports and hunting (if you are the Daddy) or on ironing (if you are the Mommy).
KEEP IT QUIET. People doing "it" the Homeland Way are very quiet. Your neighbors do not want to know if or when you are doing "it," and neither do their children.
MOMMY IS SUBMISSIVE. In the Homeland Way, initiating "it" is the Daddy's job. Mommies who try to initiate "it" make men nervous and anxious and unsure of the masculinity that is so crucial in maintaining our Homeland's potency, firmness, and decency. Additionally, anxious Daddies married to aggressive Mommies are more likely to drink too much, leaving Mommies thinking bad thoughts about their spouses and men in general. Then they seek "it" outside of marriage with other Mommies, leading to indecent Mommy-Mommy households.
ARTICLE III: DON'T THINK ABOUT "IT"
Thinking about "it" (except in the confines of marriage, and only minutes before doing "it") can slow down our march backwards to the future. Random "it" thoughts make a person dizzy, weak, and sometimes too confused to remain alert to those outside the Homeland who wish to bring their indecencies here. DOHD scientists have shown that those whose minds wander are helped a great deal if they work a second job or do volunteer work for faith-based groups helping shut-ins, where no one has such thoughts.
ARTICLE IV: HOW TO DEPICT "IT" IN BOOKS, MAGAZINES, MOVIES, AND TELEVISION
The only moral way to depict anyone doing "it" outside of marriage in books, magazines,16 movies, or TV programs is to show them suffering a horrible fate directly caused by doing "it" without the benefit of marriage. The Creative Team of the DOHD Family Viewing Hour Division (see Section V, Article II) has approved a number of fates that must befall characters who do "it" out of wedlock. These fates include: death in a fiery car crash, death in an exploding building, death in a tornado, dismemberment of any extremity or limb by any means, being lost at sea, falling off a roller coaster, maiming, turning homosexual, getting a horrible disease that includes all-over body boils, especially on Mr. and Mrs. Johnson, or being the cause of another 9/11.
In addition, teens doing "it" can suffer the following fates: Cheerleaders will develop chronic acne and lose their cheerleading positions; athletes will suffer horrible injuries because they are thinking about doing "it" and not thinking about the big game when the ball hits them hard in the head and puts them in a coma for years; honor students will become addicted to drugs or gambling and end up destitute and homeless; computer geniuses will seek easy riches by hacking into the computers of Homeland corporations and end up suffering horribly in prison by playing Mommy to some other prisoner's Daddy.From the Trade Paperback edition.
Excerpted from The Department of Homeland Decency by Susan and Frank Fuller. Copyright © 2008 by Susan Fuller. Excerpted by permission of Crown Archetype, a division of Random House LLC. All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher.