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On Sale: May 07, 2013
Pages: 288 | ISBN: 978-0-385-34906-2
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Read by Jim Gaffigan
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ISBN: 978-0-8041-4799-6
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On Sale: May 07, 2013
ISBN: 978-0-8041-4800-9
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Synopsis|Excerpt|Table of Contents

Synopsis

In Dad is Fat, stand-up comedian Jim Gaffigan, who’s best known for his legendary riffs on Hot Pockets, bacon, manatees, and McDonald's, expresses all the joys and horrors of life with five young children—everything from cousins ("celebrities for little kids") to toddlers’ communication skills (“they always sound like they have traveled by horseback for hours to deliver important news”), to the eating habits of four year olds (“there is no difference between a four year old eating a taco and throwing a taco on the floor”). Reminiscent of Bill Cosby’s Fatherhood, Dad is Fat is sharply observed, explosively funny, and a cry for help from a man who has realized he and his wife are outnumbered in their own home.

Excerpt

Letter to My Children

Dear Children,

I am your dad. The father of all five of you pale creatures. Given how attractive and fertile your mother is, there may be more of you by the time you read this book. If you are reading this, I am probably dead. I would assume this because I can honestly foresee no other situation where you’d be interested in anything I’ve done. Right now, you are actually more interested in preventing me from doing things like working, sleeping, and smiling. I’m kidding, of course. Kind of. I love you with all of my heart, but you are probably the reason I’m dead.

All right, you didn’t kill me. Your mother did. She kept getting pregnant! I don’t know how. Don’t think about it. It will give you the willies. At one point, I was afraid she got pregnant while she was pregnant. She was so fertile I didn’t even let her hold avocados. Anyway, this is a book all about what I observed being your dad when you were very young and I had some hair back in good old 2013.

So why a book? Well, since you’ve come into my life, you’ve been a constant source of entertainment while simultaneously driving me insane. I felt I had to write down my observations about you in a book. And also for money, so you could eat and continue to break things. By the way, I’m sorry I yelled so much and did that loud clapping thing with my hands. I hated when my dad would do the loud clapping thing with his hands, so every time I do the loud clapping thing, it pains me in many ways. Most of the pain is because that loud clapping thing actually hurts my hands.

You may be wondering how I wrote this book. From a very early age, you all instinctively knew I wasn’t that bright of a guy. Probably from all the times you had to correct me when I couldn’t read all the words in The Cat in the Hat. Hell, I find writing e‑mails a chore. (Thank you, spell-check!) I wrote this book with the help of many people, but mostly your mother. Your mother is not only the only woman I’ve ever loved, but also the funniest person I know. When your mom was not in labor yelling at me, she made me laugh so hard.

Love,

Dad

P.S. How did you get that hula hoop into that restaurant Easter 2011?


From the Hardcover edition.

Table of Contents

Contents
Foreword
Letter to My Children
Who’s Who in the Cast
Rue the Day
“Drinking the Kool-Aid”
Family-Friendly
Have Children: The Condition
Anti-Family
I Confess
Happy Days Are Here Again
The Pharaoh and the Slave
Vice President
My Dad, the Professional Wrestler
The Narcissist’s Guide to Babies and Toddlers
When Women Get Lazy
Oh My God, You’re Pregnant?
Witchcraft
Newbornland
Dogfight
Circumcision
The Invasion
Eat the Coleslaw!
Toddlerhood
The Evil Within
Secrets and Lies
A Critical Analysis of Children’s Literature
No Further Questions
Bring in da Noise
The People Who Live Under the Floor
Monsters
Nothing in Common
Hotel New York City
Vamanos
Is It Too Soon to Start Dating Again?
I’ll Be Your Tour Guide
Pale Force
Learnin’ Them
A Self-Portrait
Your Special Day
Losing My Religion
No Such Thing as a Free Babysitter
How to Put Five Kids to Bed in a Two-Bedroom Apartment
Negotiating with Terrorists
My Former Bed
Morning Has Been Broken
Naps Are Payday Loans
Get Married, Have Kids, Get Fat
Hand-in-Mouth Disease
We Need Bread
You Win, McDonald’s
How Sweet It Is
’Tis the Season
My Other Family
Are You Done Yet?
Six Kids, Catholic
The Great White Baby
The Mousetrap
Picture This
Snow Job
On the Road Again
Eskimo Pies
You’re Going to Miss This
Acknowledgments
 
Jim Gaffigan

About Jim Gaffigan

Jim Gaffigan - Dad Is Fat

Photo © Nigel Parry

JIM GAFFIGAN is a stand-up comedian, actor, and bestselling author of Dad is Fat. He lives in Manhattan with his wife, Jeannie, and their five children. 
Jim Gaffigan

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