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  • Written by Jacqueline Olds
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  • Written by Jacqueline Olds
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Drifting Apart in the Twenty-first Century

Written by Jacqueline OldsAuthor Alerts:  Random House will alert you to new works by Jacqueline Olds


List Price: $19.00


On Sale: February 01, 2009
Pages: 0 | ISBN: 978-0-8070-9596-6
Published by : Beacon Press Beacon Press
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Synopsis|Excerpt|Table of Contents


In today's world, it is more acceptable to be depressed than to be lonely-yet loneliness appears to be the inevitable byproduct of our frenetic contemporary lifestyle. According to the 2004 General Social Survey, one out of four Americans talked to no one about something of importance to them during the last six months. Another remarkable fact emerged from the 2000 U.S. Census: more people are living alone today than at any point in the country's history—fully 25 percent of households consist of one person only. In this crucial look at one of America's few remaining taboo subjects—loneliness—Drs. Jacqueline Olds and Richard S. Schwartz set out to understand the cultural imperatives, psychological dynamics, and physical mechanisms underlying social isolation.

In The Lonely American, cutting-edge research on the physiological and cognitive effects of social exclusion and emerging work in the neurobiology of attachment uncover startling, sobering ripple effects of loneliness in areas as varied as physical health, children's emotional problems, substance abuse, and even global warming. Surprising new studies tell a grim truth about social isolation: being disconnected diminishes happiness, health, and longevity; increases aggression; and correlates with increasing rates of violent crime. Loneliness doesn't apply simply to single people, either—today's busy parents "cocoon" themselves by devoting most of their non-work hours to children, leaving little time for friends, and other forms of social contact, and unhealthily relying on the marriage to fulfill all social needs.

As a core population of socially isolated individuals and families continues to balloon in size, it is more important than ever to understand the effects of a culture that idealizes busyness and self-reliance. It's time to bring loneliness—a very real and little-discussed social epidemic with frightening consequences-out into the open, and find a way to navigate the tension between freedom and connection in our lives.


Americans in the twenty-first century devote more technology
to staying connected than any society in history, yet somehow
the devices fail us: studies show that we feel increasingly alone.
Our lives are spent in a tug-of-war between conflicting desires—
we want to stay connected, and we want to be free. We lurch back
and forth, reaching for both, and are surprised by our sadness
when one side actually wins. How much of one should we give up
in order to have more of the other? How do we know when we’ve
got it right?
This argument probably began as soon as language made it
possible for groups to argue, but it is also a particularly American
controversy. Over the last decade, the debate about freedom
and connection in the United States has leaped from rarely read
doctoral dissertations to front-page national news. What caught
people’s attention was a series of alarms, given in the form of
data-driven studies, suggesting that our society is in the midst
of a dramatic and progressive slide toward disconnection. Robert
Putnam’s Bowling Alone was the loudest alarm, combining extensive
data on the fraying of social connections with a powerful thesis
demonstrating the importance of social networks to a healthy
democracy. The book struck a chord and seemingly endless pub-lic
debate about whether or not Putnam was ignoring new forms
of connection that were every bit as effective as the waning old
forms. Questions ranged from the trivial (don’t burgeoning youthsoccer
leagues matter as much as disappearing bowling leagues?)
to the technological (what about the Internet and cell phones?).
These issues were brought into sharp focus recently by two
major studies. In the first, using data from the General Social Survey
(GSS), a group headed by Duke University researcher Miller
McPherson found that between 1985 and 2004, the number of
people with whom the average American discussed “important
matters” dropped from three to two. Even more stunning, the
number of people who said there was no one with whom they discussed
important matters tripled: in 2004, individuals without a
single confidant now made up nearly a quarter of those surveyed.1
Our country is now filled with them. For readers who remain
skeptical, it is worth noting that the authors of the study themselves
were skeptics. They were surprised by their own results;
they had expected to prove Putnam wrong.
The second study was the 2000 U.S. census. One of the most
remarkable facts to emerge from this census is that one out of
every four households consists of one person only. The number
of one-person households has been increasing steadily since 1940,
when they accounted for roughly 7 percent of households; today,
there are more people living alone than at any point in U.S. history.
2 Placing the census data and the General Social Survey side
by side, the evidence that this country is in the midst of a major social
change is overwhelming.
The significance of this increased aloneness is amplified by a
very different body of research. There is now a clear consensus
among medical researchers that social connection has powerful
effects on health. Socially connected people live longer, respond
better to stress, have more robust immune systems, and do better
at fighting a variety of specific illnesses. These medical benefits
derive directly from the social connection itself, not just from
lifestyle improvements, such as better diet, more exercise, and better
medical care, that might go along with it. Putnam argues that
social connection is good for the country. Medical research has
clearly demonstrated that social connection is good for individual
health. Yet people in this country continue to drift apart. We want
to understand why.
In 1970, the sociologist Philip Slater published a powerful
book called The Pursuit of Loneliness. Slater wrote:
We seek a private house, a private means of transportation,
a private garden, a private laundry, self-service stores, and
do-it-yourself skills of every kind. An enormous technology
seems to have set itself the task of making it unnecessary
for one human being ever to ask anything of another
in the course of going about his daily business. Even within
the family Americans are unique in their feeling that each
member should have a separate room, and even a separate
telephone, television, and car when economically possible.
We seek more and more privacy, and feel more and more
alienated and lonely when we get it.3
When Slater looked at the America of his day, he saw people who
actively sought the very things that made them unhappy and bitter.
He also asked why, but his answer got stuck in its particular
historical moment. He wrote at the height of the Vietnam War, a
time of increasingly intense confrontation between a mix of countercultural
student radicals and hippies and what Slater labeled the
“old culture.” Much of the book is a brilliant rant against the dominant
culture by a writer who believed that society was poised on
the brink of cataclysmic transformation. His subtitle was American
Culture at the Breaking Point, but after more than four decades,
nothing has broken. What we have instead is more of the same—
more isolation (and more objective data on that isolation), more
longing for connection, and more technology that promises better
connections but never quite delivers. It is time to revisit Slater’s
questions and seek answers for our own time.
We came, and still come, to these questions as psychiatrists.
Our first concern was the welfare of our patients: we began to
notice how much of their suffering was bound up in isolation
and loneliness, whatever other diagnostic labels might be applied
to them. We began to notice how hard it was for our patients
to talk about their isolation, which seemed to fill them with deep
shame. We began to notice that most of our patients were more
comfortable saying they were depressed than saying they were
lonely. Somehow, while our culture has successfully destigmatized
mental illness (at least a little), it has restigmatized an ordinary human
emotion. Finally, we began to notice versions of the same suffering
around us in friends, family, and acquaintances, and, again,
what puzzled us more than the disconnection itself was an almost
reflexive denial that it mattered. Someone would talk at length
and with great sadness about losing contact with formerly close
family members and friends, and then the whole subject would be
shrugged off as if it were just a minor inconvenience in a typically
busy life. The word lonely was determinedly avoided, yet the denial
of loneliness is horribly self-defeating. Health and happiness,
the two things we all say matter most, are certifiably linked to social

Table of Contents

CHAPTER 1 The Elephant in the Room
CHAPTER 2 Frantic without a Peep:
Busyness as a Virtue and a Curse
CHAPTER 3 Self-Reliance:
Do Lonesome Cowboys Sing the Blues?
CHAPTER 4 Left Out:
An Organism under Stress
CHAPTER 5 Free at Last:
American Living Arrangements
CHAPTER 6 The Technology of Relationships:
A Brief Review
CHAPTER 7 Love and Marriage in a Busy World
CHAPTER 8 The Ripple Effects of Increasing
Social Isolation
CHAPTER 9 Social Disconnection and the
Mental Health Industry
CHAPTER 10 Staying Limber


In a wise, quiet, and gentle voice, Drs. Olds and Schwartz offer a devastating portrait of present-day American culture-the fragility of social bonds, the busyness that has become a badge of social worth, the conflict between the need for respite from the frantic pace and the gnawing feelings of exclusion and loneliness that accompany our attempts to slow it down. This is a book for our time, a book that calls all of us to take a serious look at the social and psychological costs of the way we live today. —Dr. Lillian B. Rubin, author of Just Friends, Intimate Strangers, and 60 on Up

"In today's society the pursuit of individual happiness, materialism, and the frenetic pace of life has led many people unwittingly into lifestyles where they feel lonely and excluded. Yet we know that such states are damaging to physical and mental health. In their important new book, Drs. Olds and Schwartz provide a compassionate and insightful analysis of the conflicting currents that have led to this state of affairs, and they describe ways in which this pattern can be changed through individual and community efforts."—Dr. Bruce S. McEwen, author of The End of Stress as We Know It

"An insightful, important, and comprehensive look at the causes and effects of the pervasive psychological and social isolation within contemporary American culture. The authors offer wise, compassionate, and helpful strategies toward the renewal of our essential human connections."—Janet L. Surrey, Ph.D. Founding Scholar, Jean Baker Miller Training Institute, Wellesley College, and Samuel Shem, author of The House of God

"If you want to know why, in the midst of so many and so much, Americans all too often feel alone and disconnected, this is the volume for you. Drs. Olds and Schwartz have written a book that is scientifically rigorous and socially acute, delving deep into the latest research on the neurobiology behind our need for connection and the adverse effects of social isolation, while also unpacking the dangerous cultural myths that would deny these needs. Hooray for Olds and Schwartz's sagacity, lucidity, humanity, and practicality. Read their book and take their advice for your own sake and for the rest of us, as well!"—Dr. William Pollack, author of Real Boys, Rescuing Ours Sons from the Myth of Masculinity and director of the Centers for Men and Young Men at McLean Hospital/Harvard Medical School

"Our contemporary situation is one of material affluence and social isolation. Olds and Schwartz provide a thoughtful and important analysis of how we came to cut ourselves off from one another, and what the consequences are."—Daniel Nettle, PhD, author of Happiness: The Science behind Your Smile

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