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Secrets of the Astrology of Intimacy Revealed

Written by Jan SpillerAuthor Alerts:  Random House will alert you to new works by Jan Spiller

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List Price: $12.99

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On Sale: December 26, 2007
Pages: | ISBN: 978-0-553-90450-5
Published by : Bantam Bantam Dell
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Synopsis|Excerpt

Synopsis

A world-renowned astrologer reveals the path to successful relationships....

In this powerful guide, astrology expert Jan Spiller shows you how the practical science of astrology can lead to real-life results in the realm of intimate relationships. Moving beyond the commonly known sun-sign profiles, Spiller delves into the meanings and mysteries of your personal North Node—the vital point where the orbits of the earth, moon, and sun intersect—to help you bring love into your life. For more than thirty years, she has studied how the effects of the Nodes of the Moon help us steer our life force in positive ways, accept the possibilities the universe has placed in our path, and stop sabotaging relationships. By locating the position of your North Node, which can be found in the chart provided, and the house in which it falls in an important relationship, Spiller helps you discover the astrological, psychological, and spiritual tools to:

• Learn the secrets to open up intamacy and enjoy satisfying, lifelong romance
• Move beyond old hurts that can tear a relationship apart
• Allow others to be themselves–and not try to change them
• Experiment with new ways of interacting in important relationships
• Discover what gifts your partner brings to you–and what gifts you bring to your partner
• Navigate the energy of pastlife connections

Excerpt

Aries North Node People
and North Node in the 1st House


SPECIAL GIFTS THEY BRING TO RELATIONSHIPS
* A loving spirit
* Cooperative nature
* Interest in the other person
* Diplomacy
* Fairness
* A value for peace and harmony
* A giving nature

MISCONCEPTIONS THAT BLOCK INTIMACY
* "Part of my purpose is to create harmony in my relationships."
* "If I'm a nice person and make everyone happy, then I will get love back."
* "Since I'm stronger than others, it's up to me to carry things until the other person gets stronger."
* "If I create harmony in my relationships, I will feel inner peace."
* "If I put the other person first, they will reciprocate by putting me first."
* "If others see who I am, they may not like me."
* "Other people's image of me affects how I am."
* "In a true partnership, people do most things together."

COMPLAINTS OF THEIR PARTNERS
* "They are too needy of my energy and attention."
* "They don't make their own decisions."
* "They're very manipulative."
* "They're co-dependent; I don't have any space to myself."
* "They try to take responsibility for my moods."
* "They measure what I do for them against what I do for others."

Co-Dependency vs. Independent Self-Identity


Aries North Node people have had many past lives in the position of being the support person for someone else—their mate, their children, their business partner, etc. Over time, they began to identify themselves as being part of a team, and became dependent on the flow of nurturing energy created in the womb of their relationships.

As a result of keeping their focus on the other person, the native has negated their own personal life force and lost touch with their own individual spark. After many incarnations of this pattern, their innate desire for growth and self-discovery became dormant.

Although this co-dependent pattern may have worked for them in the past, in order to help these natives heal this unresolved pattern of co-dependency in this lifetime, the flow of reciprocity in relationships isn't working in the way they expect. This is the Universe's way of telling them that they need to grow stronger as an individual, and reclaim their own independent identity. Only then can their relationships become truly satisfying.

Due to so many lifetimes of conditioning, these people still tend to believe that their personal happiness is dependent on keeping the other people in their relationships harmonious and happy. But this old pattern cannot produce the results they want; in the end they don't feel loved or happy. In fact, until they become conscious of this co-dependency, they don't know how to partner with self and do things on their own that support their individual happiness and personal growth.

Until they gain awareness, Aries North Node people may act out co-dependent tendencies in many ways. Because internally they feel like they can't make it on their own, they're always on the lookout for others to partner with, and they tend to try and jump into co-dependency dynamics very quickly. Also, they often behave in ways that lead the other person to think they aren't competent enough to function without them. They may say things like: "I really can't do this, will you do it?"

Instead of taking responsibility for their shortcomings and doing something to correct them, the native expects others to compensate for them. They tend to try to set things up so that anything they don't want to take responsibility for is their partner's responsibility. This blocks intimacy because eventually the other person starts to feel resentful. The truth is that the native CAN be completely functional and responsible, but subconsciously they want their partner to do certain things for them—and vice versa—in order to create the co-dependency.

In a healthy, mutually interdependent relationship, the partners also take on certain responsibilities for each other, and may even make up for some of each other's deficiencies. The important difference is that both people consciously agree to the arrangement as two separate individuals. For instance, if one partner enjoys cooking but hates shopping, and the other enjoys the experience of shopping but isn't a very good cook, they may agree to divide these tasks accordingly.

Instead, Aries North Node natives try to totally enmesh themselves in the other person's world: They revolve around their partner's concerns and want to do everything with them. Then they usually attempt to coerce their partner into also revolving around their concerns and sharing in their activities—shopping, visiting parents, running errands, etc. They are trying to establish reciprocity by giving too much and then pulling on the other person to give back. But this is not true giving—it's more like an insurance policy to guarantee that they will always be included as part of the team.

On an unconscious level, Aries North Node people think that this is the correct path to establish fulfilling relationships, but co-dependency ends up having the opposite effect. If they're not really "standing in their own space," they can't receive the love and appreciation that their partner gives to them. As a result, they don't feel like they truly belong. They give, and they're part of their partner's world, but when the other person doesn't do what the native wants, they may feel hurt and resentful because the other person isn't reciprocating in the way the native expected. And it blocks intimacy for their partner, because when they feel the native's resentment, they tend to pull back in order to protect themselves.

Aries North Node folks have no sense of self—they want to be part of the other person's identity instead of discovering their own. Their energy is so invested in their relationship with the primary people in their life that sometimes—in order to keep the energetic connection going—they can become very controlling. They feel that as long as they have the other person "captured" in a relationship—whether it's good or bad—they have a sense of identity.

This control issue can extend to thinking they know what's best for their mates, their parents, their children—everyone! They think people should do what they tell them because—in their mind—they so clearly have the other person's best interest at heart. However, because they are so enmeshed in the identity of others, they unknowingly get confused between what would make others feel more harmonious and what would make them feel more harmonious. They are also concerned that the behavior of those who are close can reflect badly on them, and feel responsible for their actions. So if their child (even as an adult) exhibits a misbehavior, they are afraid that others look down on them as the parent.

This co-dependency can be very draining for the other person. Those who are close often feel there's no breathing room with these natives. Although they may like feeling needed and wanted, they resent having to constantly push the native away just to get some space. And the native feels like everyone is pushing them away all the time and they don't understand why.

This dynamic blocks intimacy for both people: When the native tries harder to please the other person and enhance the co-dependency, it makes their partner feel like they need to create more distance. If the other person tries to take some quiet time alone to recharge, the native may take it personally and act like their partner is trying to avoid them. They tend to feel threatened by their partner's independent growth and development. But the best partnerships are created when the partners can share what each has learned individually. Then as each person grows as an individual, the more they have to offer the partnership.

However, until these natives become conscious, they can be so needy that it feels like an abyss to the other person. And without their partner's constant energy the native may feel lost and invisible. But the truth is that they will never feel really "seen" until they learn to see themselves. And the way they can begin to do this is by spending time alone, outside of the relationship.

So when their partner starts distancing themselves—a signal that they need more space—the relationship and the native will benefit from giving them that gift. In fact, time spent with themselves is the only way these people can start to discover themselves and reconnect with the fountain of independent energy within.

Creating Internal Harmony vs. Keeping Others Harmonious


Aries North Node people tend to be sweet and selfless and usually feel that it is part of their purpose—and their responsibility—to support the "team" and create harmony in their relationships. As a result, they focus on making everyone else happy—their family, friends, employees, etc. But what tends to happen is that over time, others can come to expect the native to be responsible for their harmony, even at the native's own expense.

These natives are practicing selfless behavior in the extreme, which can encourage unrealistic expectations and lack of reciprocity in their partners. In fact, they often attract narcissistic partners. Because of their co-dependent tendencies, if the native thinks that the other person wants them to do something, they may do whatever it takes, even if that means sacrificing what they need to do for themselves.

However, eventually the native looks around and realizes that there's no reciprocity and they aren't getting their needs met. Then they feel sad and angry because they think they're being used. Even though they give others the impression "All I need to be happy is for you to be happy," it really doesn't work if the other person doesn't give back to them.

Aries North Node people can only resolve this issue when they are willing to recognize that it's NOT their job to make everyone else happy. Relating in a healthy way as an equal would mean saying: "If you're not happy, I'm sorry." Then they could do others the honor of acknowledging them as a separate person and allowing them to be responsible for their own happiness. The native also honors themselves when they do what they need to do in order to be personally happy.

These folks are learning that when their harmony is disrupted due to the way someone is treating them, then their approach to that person needs to change. It may be that they need to raise their voice or otherwise firmly let the other person know what they expect in the situation. They are finding out how to support others in being responsible for learning their own lessons. Whatever the other person is experiencing is a direct result of the energy they are putting out, and only by having to deal with the effects themself can their partner grow and change.

The native is also responsible for their own process of self-discovery, and part of that is noticing what does and does not work in the way they approach their relationships. For example, one client with this nodal position had a small business. Wanting to create harmony in the workplace, he was very supportive of his employees—praising them for their work, handling situations where he felt they were upset, and going out of his way to be fair with them.

Over time, their egos began to surge and they became disrespectful. He finally realized that it was his business, and he was paying them to SUPPORT HIM, not the other way around. Once he became willing to accept responsibility for his own harmony, he told them what he needed to happen in the workplace. He let them know that he wanted a positive atmosphere, with no gossiping or negativity, and he wanted the customers treated with respect. Those employees who were willing to support his goals remained, and those who wouldn't or couldn't were replaced. The result was that his business began to thrive, and my client again felt harmonious.

Aries North Node people tend to value harmony above all. Consequently, they try to prevent those who are close from experiencing disharmony. They are learning that not everyone has harmony as their primary value. For instance, the other person may value internal conflict as a stepping-stone to gaining new insights and finding a higher resolution.

Generally, if the other person is upset for any reason, the native feels resentful. After all, they went out of their way to help the other person feel harmonious and their partner isn't cooperating! This dynamic blocks intimacy. Their partner feels violated because they don't have the space to be upset, and the native feels violated because they ignored their own inner harmony in order to help their partner feel harmonious—and now they're upset anyway!

Since these people think the other person has to be harmonious in order for them to be harmonious, they often conceal the truth about how they feel, not saying anything that would hurt their partner's feelings. However, this blocks intimacy because the other person can't trust them to tell the truth about how they feel and what they really want in the relationship. Because of this insecurity, their partner may begin to withdraw. The other person would much prefer that the native be honest so they could work problems out together—as equals. This would build true harmony in their relationships and allow the possibility for intimacy to be created.

However, until these natives build a stronger personal identity and start taking responsibility for maintaining their own inner harmony, they usually stay constantly tuned in to the other person, monitoring their moods. This makes it difficult for their partner to simply experience themselves without the native being in their space. Sometimes the other person just wants to be left alone rather than being "changed" in order to meet the native's needs for harmony.

The unconscious, underlying issue is that Aries North Node people often live vicariously through their significant others. If their partner is upset, even if it has nothing to do with them, they take it personally. If their partner starts to cry, they cry—there are no boundaries. The other person ends up feeling that it's not okay to be upset because it's so upsetting to the native.

One reason people want to partner with another is so they can share their individual feelings, thoughts, and experiences and help each other grow. For example, the exchange could be as simple as the native just telling the other person: "When you yell and scream like that, it's upsetting to me"—rather than trying to appease them. By giving them an honest reflection of how their expression is
affecting the native, they can help their partner to gain greater self-awareness.

However, in order for this to occur the native must let others be themselves and take responsibility for their own moods. The idea is for them to spend time alone to discover what they're feeling as a separate individual. Then something new will happen. Maybe they'll notice that what they felt when they thought their partner wasn't harmonious was that they felt out of harmony themselves.

Once the native becomes aware of their own internal state, they can experiment with honestly
sharing their feelings with their partner. For instance: "I'm feeling confused today—how are you feeling?" If their partner is also experiencing confusion, it may just be a current mood in the atmosphere. And by each sharing their own individual experience, both of them can end up feeling better.
Jan Spiller

About Jan Spiller

Jan Spiller - Cosmic Love

Photo © John Firman

Jan Spiller is a worldwide leader in astrology. She teaches regularly at New Age and astrology conferences and is the author of New Moon Astrology, Astrology for the Soul, and Spiritual Astrology. She lives in New York City and Charleston, South Carolina.

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