Who Is a Bad Boy?
Admit it, you want to date Bad Boys. Despite what your mother may have told you, we make the best boyfriends. We're fun, we love women, and we know how to turn you on. Let me explain.
Bad . Boy (n.) A charming, funny, overtly confident guy who is sexy, in good shape, and great in bed (like I said, overtly confident). He is unapologetically "male," loves women, maintains many female friends, and does not kiss and tell. Romantically, he gets away with murder, with an alibi of a wink and a smirk. He's noncommittal by choice, not by fear. Most important, he thrives on being naughty.
I'd be sugarcoating the definition, however, if I didn't explain the "bad" part. He's bad because he's "got your number," knows how to manipulate you, and might not view female casualties as a problem. He doesn't always see you as a person, but instead as a challenge or a case study. For many Bad Boys, the chase is more important than the catch. The outcome? Hearts are broken, your need for closure is ignored, and he's off to his next "mark," remembering you only as an experience. If that's not bad, what is?
Examples: Great Hollywood Bad Boys have included Colin Farrell, George Clooney, Jack Nicholson, Johnny Knoxville, Jude Law, Snoop Dogg, Warren Beatty, Vince Vaughn, and (yes, really) John Mayer. (The sensitive guitar players are brilliant; you'll never see them coming.)
My point is that Bad Boys come in all shapes and sizes. I used to think that only tough guys were Bad Boys, but I was wrong; they're often the earthy types, the businessmen, and the boys next door.
You know when a Bad Boy enters a room: His confidence and past success with women are revealed in his unflinching eye contact, his slow, definite pace, and the glaring looks he receives from other men. Meanwhile, the women in the room perk up like deer at a water hole. He is automatically king of whatever domain he enters, and he doesn't feel the need to prove himself. He just is.
Dedication to the Cause
A Bad Boy studies women with the same passion and dedication that Nobel laureates pursue academia. A Bad Boy receives equally impressive rewards . . . albeit not in the form of medals and plaques. Instead, he gets something better, something every man on the planet desires: an undeniable ability to seduce women based solely on who he is. Women are attracted not to his status, bank account, or intellect; instead, he can woo women strictly based on himself. (Why? We'll get to that in the next section, "Why You Have No Choice but to Like Us.") For a man, there is no bigger ego boost than having a woman fall weak in the knees because of his effect on her. It's our most primitive quest.
Most true Bad Boys are born or reared as such. On occasion, a lucky few stumble and accidentally fall into behaving badly as a route to success with the opposite sex, summoned to a life spent pursuing the understanding of women. Either way, we leave no stone unturned when it comes to girls. We want to know everything, from why you get edgy during PMS to why you enjoy sex, as well as what makes you laugh, what your weaknesses are, how to build you up and how to knock you down a few pegs, and what makes you happy.
Why You Have No Choice but to Like Us
There have been all sorts of studies done on why women are attracted to this "naughty" element in men. To us Bad Boys, this is all just scientific chatter. However, I have taken the time to examine sociological and anthropological research on the topic, and it comes down to this: A desire to propagate is rooted deep within our species. Along with that desire, we have biological traits that guide us in choosing the right mate. Women have the best chance at propagating if they choose only the strongest alpha males, and men have the best chance of propagating if they can attract many females. You see this in nature all the time.
But humans have reached a level of civilization that doesn't admire the male side of that equation. Polygamy went out with the corset, hence the conundrum in dating. Bottom line? You like me, want my romantic attentions, and want me to date you monogamously. And there's nothing you can do to keep me from playing the field. Or is there?
Keep reading, because even if you think you don't like full-blown Bad Boys, every woman needs a guy with an edge to keep her heated up. The following pages will help you keep that fire burning--and under control.
Who He's Not
I hear the word player tossed around a lot to describe men who seek out hordes of women. This is accurate. But I'm here to break it down for you, and tell you that Bad Boys and players are not the same thing. Let me explain:
Brags about his conquests
Is very secretive, and will rarely talk about his private life
Cares deeply about his
Enjoys exploring many "types"
Has a sleazy air
Makes a sport out of getting
women's phone numbers
Absolutely loves women
Has a shallow understanding of
women, and cares to know only
enough to get them into bed
Most of his ex-girlfriends are still his friends and not wishing for his untimely death
In a nutshell, a player sees women as notches on his bedpost. He doesn't really like them, or care to understand them. A player prefers to get women drunk and take advantage of them. He doesn't care how a woman is seduced, as long as she goes to bed with him. He sees women as something of a sport. Most players are wealthier men who prey on gold diggers, drunk girls, or unsuspecting women. But a player can easily be the unemployed loser down the block--Lord knows he has the time. If you want to know what to look for in order to avoid this guy, pay attention here.
How to Spot a Player
. He has more male than female friends.
.He may have cash and fancy "props": watches, cars, and clothes.
.He's a name-dropper.
.He makes promises he never keeps.
.He begins touching you--your back, your arm, anywhere--from the moment you meet, in ways that might strike you as far more intimate than your relationship warrants.
.You'll think something about him is sleazy, even if you can't put your finger on it. Should you put your finger on it, please wash with hot, soapy water.
Players can eventually be turned into good guys, but it's better to know what you're dealing with from the get-go. Chances are, though, you aren't going to be the one to change him, so move on quickly if you want to avoid the heartache.
A Word on Misogynists
A misogynist is a man who dislikes women. I'm not a psychologist, so I can't give you a clinical character description, but suffice it to say, this is a man who fundamentally doesn't respect the opposite sex. These losers often have disturbing pasts, for one reason or another, whether it was a childhood trauma or merely how they were raised.
Misogynists work many of the same moves as players. But the line between a player and a misogynist is a thick one. When meeting a man, look for the distinct sense that he doesn't like you even though he's attracted to you; he may also make negative comments about female family members. You'll know it when you sense it. Some misogynists can also be abusive--any man who is verbally or physically abusive, whether he harms you or threatens to do so, is to be avoided. Players may be derogatory at times, but your feminine instincts won't tip you off to danger the way they will if you're with a woman hater. These idiots do not deserve your pity and should be avoided at all costs. It is these violent, derogatory, sexist pigs who are a disgrace to our species. As much as I don't think players are cool, even they don't sink to a misogynist's level.
Be careful out there, and trust your instincts! If you're out on the town and meet a man, take a ladies'-room break and review the situation. Be honest with yourself, and you'll know exactly what kind of guy you're dealing with. The player will check out your girlfriend, and the girl behind her, when he introduces himself. The misogynist will come on way too nice, and you'll get a creepy feeling. He will most likely offer to buy you a drink (something he can drug). The Bad Boy, however, will start talking to you as if he knows you--with a calm self-assuredness--and you won't even know he's trying to pick you up until you're leaving his apartment the next morning with your panties in your purse.
The Myth of the Nice Guy
I can hear you disagreeing with me. "But, Steve," you say, "I don't like Bad Boys. I really don't."
If only the world were perfect. Nice girls would fall in love with nice boys, and everyone would live happily ever after. (Insert record scratch here.) Nothing could be further from the truth. Odds are you'll never fall for a plain old nice guy.
That's not to say that you won't meet an edgy guy who is nice to you. Or that you won't become attracted to an extremely courteous guy. But, inevitably, the je ne sais quoi about him that makes you want to jump his bones is not his habit of helping you on with your coat. You prefer his overt confidence when he's helping you off with your skirt.
In that world called reality, every guy has a little Bad Boy in him, and women wouldn't have it any other way.
There's Nothing Nice About Nice
A nice guy is the boy you want to pat on the head like a puppy, saying, "Aww, aren't you sweet." He's probably the friend whom you adore but would never date. Nice guys can't get you hot. Nice guys can't even "get" you. Nice guys, as far as women are concerned, may as well have welcome stamped across their foreheads, because you use them as doormats. Which is sad, because a lot of nice guys would make great boyfriends, except for one thing: They don't make you feel safe. Or excited.
The same reason nature instructs you to go for an alpha male is why you can't be attracted to "nice." In nature, nice equals weak, and weak equals danger. Women want to feel that they're protected and safe. Even if you're a powerful woman, you still want to be with someone who's got some balls. No?
But I'm Over Bad Boys
Maybe you say you're over Bad Boys. You say that you want to settle down and meet someone nice. What, you can't sleep? You need someone around to bore you into a deep slumber? Predictable nice guys can have that NyQuil effect.
Come on, sweet cheeks, you don't want that. Wanting a nice guy is the number one sign that you're settling, and not looking for the best you can get! But if you agree with me on that, now you're really stuck. You don't want nice and you don't want bad. What to do?
Here's how to zero in on a guy with just the right amount of Bad Boy-ishness.
1. Date different types of guys from various walks of life: business types, creative, athletic, outdoorsy, etc. (but don't sleep with any of them . . . unless one of them is me. . . . Joking, sort of.)
2.Especially date outside of what you would consider your normal "type," and start to form an idea of what you like and don't like; keep a chart, if it helps. Ask yourself what qualities are most important to you. Is he polite? Is he funny? Is he edgy, responsible, a good kisser?
3.If a guy makes you hot, definitely keep dating him, but don't get too emotionally involved right away. Stand back and ask yourself, "What is making me want him so badly?"
4.Compare the men who make you hot with the men you consider nice guys. (Be prepared to LOL.) As a bonus, feel free to use the nice guys in your life to keep you occupied so that you're not too available for the "hottie" you really like. Sounds mean, but it's not. Let me explain: You don't have to do a man's "homework" for him. He should be able to win your heart, and if he can't, then he's not worthy of you. Nice guys won't learn to be naughty by your being nice to them; you're doing them a favor!
5.Finally, chances are that if he turns you on he's a "real guy." Let him know (without actually saying it!) that you understand his desire to be male. This "acceptance," if you will, will separate you from 90 percent of the female population. Meaning, if he's a little rowdy sometimes, if he's got a hobby--a motorcycle, for example--or a sport he "just has to spend time on," then embrace it, but let him know you won't play second fiddle all the time. This way, you're not there as filler in between his "guy time" and work. You are part of his guy time.
Q: I've already dated Bad Boys, and now I want a nice guy. Do I do the same things you advise with any guy?
A: I don't believe you will never be attracted to a completely and totally "nice guy." However, that doesn't mean you want a Bad Boy, either. But by understanding Bad Boys, the man who does heat you up will be easier to deal with. So, yes, keep in mind the strategies and concepts you read in this book, even if the man you choose doesn't seem all that bad. Most women want a good man with an edge, and that, my friend, comes in many packages.
The fact that you're reading this Manual means that you are actively seeking information that will make you better able to understand guys, and therefore have more fun with the kind of man who gets you hot . . . but not so hot that he burns you. You're on your way! If you listen to the advice in The Manual, I promise you'll be able to handle the kitchen no matter how high the temperature.
Do You Like Bad Boys? A Quiz
Although you might still be denying it, there is no doubt that almost all women love some degree of Bad Boy.From the Hardcover edition.
Excerpted from The Manual by Steve Santagati. Copyright © 2007 by Steve Santagati. Excerpted by permission of Three Rivers Press, a division of Random House, Inc. All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher.