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And here I thought I hated him! I mean I thought that he was loathsome to the nth degree I saw him as some kinda clown a first class colored fool an Uncle Tom a Peeping Tom a creepy eager pornographic Tom a hypocrite a liar and a fake a make- believe Black man a mediocre mediocrity of apple polish brown nose cut-throat and an insult to his elders a menace to his peers a hazard to the under seventeen a joke a serious mistake a cynical disjuncture between race and history a cruel interlocutor between the needy and relief a bullet to the family a bully to the female a pietistic turncoat and a trivializing renegade a jerk a cornball hustler and a trifling no 'count crocodile a sacrilegious opportunist and a hitman for the pitiless But I'm completely off the track/ mistaken/ out of line and off the wall (it seems) which brings me to this letter I must write to you: I write to thank you for your revelation! I declare I don't know how the truth escaped my understanding I can't explain the blindness that concealed the facts from me But suddenly I looked at you and Clarence happy as 2 pods in a poke (or 2 pigs in a pea or whatever) on the cover of People Magazine and things just clicked They really did! I mean like click: I realized you're right and I been dense and dumb and bigtime into criminal denial see because I probably was (as you say) probably I was in love with Clarence! Probably I lusted after him/ your husband: Yes I guess I probably did! And here I thought I hated him! But then you never know: Sometimes it's awful hard to tell now isn't it: You never know! 
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>Excerpted from Kissing God Goodbye by June Jordan. Copyright © 1997 by June Jordan. Excerpted by permission of Doubleday, a division of Bantam Doubleday Dell Publishing Group, Inc. All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher. |
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